eat me henger

there's no way out for her to prove that there's anything redeemable in her. her choices are: first, she proves that her dire financial need to provide for her family were the reasons why she whored her self out to a sugar daddy. that may sound that it absolves her of the culpability, but then again, she fraternized with a married man - where's the honor in that? second, she may claim that she is simply found the attention that she desperately needed so she gave in to the advances of her boss and became a sugar baby. that indeed paints me in a bad light for not being enough for her, but then again, it's still with a married man, and now she's the cheater - how low can you go? third, she desperately needs the money for the baby. but then again, which came first? her baby or her becoming a sugar baby? either way, she continued whoring her self out while having the baby, perhaps she's even more so compelled to sell herself because she didn't believe in th...

i never truly loved her. to her credit, there are positive things about her - things that made me like her in the first place, things about her that made me want to keep the relationship running for every speed bump, roadblock or sinkhole we encounter. objectively she does make for a decent girlfriend given those traits alone. unfortunately, human beings are package deals where the good will always come with the bad - and she had plenty to show. some were mere minor annoyances, easily forgivable. some where questionable character flaws that may be managed with the right willingness to work things out. and she was a smart girl - she knew how bad she truly is, so she either overcompensated by being generous with other things or projected onto others the dirt she truly had to protect herself. as time went on, i got to know her more, i got a bigger picture of who she truly was. however, the end of our relationship wasn't a case of the cons outweighing the pros. i adamantly beli...

i saw the sugar daddy today. and i felt vindicated. more and more, i'm realizing how little of a loss she actually was to me. her beauty was only skin deep, she wasn't positively interesting, and she didn't bring anything of value to the relationship. hence, what i truly lost was the time, energy and resources i poured in the failed relationship. granted, i had my fun and i learned my lessons, and i got someone that toxic out of my life - those i am grateful for, but also those things i want to move past from. i'm likewise grateful that the sugar daddy took her away from me because my life would have been much more miserable had i stayed with a woman without any integrity. i wouldn't trust her with my life, as with the case of legal liability of a spouse in marriage. i also wouldn't trust her with my children's lives, as with the case of an established filial relationship. and it is a universal truth that relationships are built on trust, and on a list o...

the only two times my blog is read - first if i post its link on facebook, and second if my favorite human being in the entire world decides to open it. so really, none of what i write and pour my heart into actually ever gets to any reader. this serves the intended purpose of having a personal journal, with the unintended effect of relative privacy. i hope someday this blog would serve as a supplementary reading material for those that wish to understand me - but in an age as selfish as we are in now, i highly doubt anyone would obsessively read each and every single entry unless they actually love me. and i've yet to meet anyone who is sincerely capable of that. however, the freedom that nobody reads what i write here is wonderful. my sincere, honest, and rawest thoughts are all here. i don't have to be funny like i try on facebook, i don't have to be artsy like i try on instagram, i don't have to relevant like i try on twitter. this blog is me. and it's thera...

what she did and who she is disgusts me. with that i've brought myself to the moral high ground which will invariably strengthen my inner resolve to not turn into a partner i wouldn't be proud of. admittedly, yes i've been tempted into cheating and using other people for personal gain during the couple of relationships i've had. but they are merely that - temporary temptations. those that don't have long term implications that spell a grossly disgusting case of infidelity. those that were mitigated with the right amount of wrist slapping from my partner, and my solid commitment of undying loyalty. and it's normal to find someone else more interesting than your current partner, of course the novelty dies down, of course there will be rough patches. that's where one's values will come in. unfortunately for me, her values were more concerned with the short term material gains in exchange for the long term damage her betrayal will do to the wholeness of ...

the best case scenario is that my ex totally disappears from my life. even without any way to prove that the bastard is mine, her silence will allow me to conclusively confirm that i never got her pregnant. because we have already established that she is a whore, who knows how many men she's bedded while claiming to love me. and i could chalk this experience up as a case of satan deciding to screw with me. the next best case scenario is that my ex reaches out to me and desperately tries to prove i'm the dad - to failure. this will entail a drain on my resources - time, money, energy. but it's going to be sweet to prove to her, and hopefully her family too, that she is indeed a whore. and i could chalk this experience up as a case of the universe rewarding me the retribution i deserve. the next best case scenario is that my ex suffers a miscarriage. that will foil my plot to ruin her life forever by burdening her with a bastard in such an unlovable state she truly ...

i finally understand the value of rebound relationships - they're an ego boost. it's particularly dangerous cause of your state of vulnerability. you could fall for someone who isn't right for you, so long as they provide the validation that your crushed self-esteem so desperately need. the rebound will be dealing with your deferred depression instead of having a healthy relationship that builds the both of you together. bottom line: the rebound is not treated as a person but merely a tool. when broken from the ending of a relationship, you need validation on the worth that you can't find in yourself because the person whom you held most dearly showed to you that you are unworthy of the love that made you feel like you're on top of the world. you need others to help you pick up the pieces of your life that you're left with. you simply need to be reminded that you are a beautiful human being. that's possible when you let the good in you shine and yo...

i am aggrieved because i was harboring a whore. one who fooled me into loving her and taking care of her pregnancy and using it as an excuse to abuse me, while throwing herself to a married man whom she attracted and entertained because of their working relations, and have been intimately engaging for money. by anyone's book, that is a proper prostitute, and that is disgracefully disgusting. people have been telling me that my feelings will change as soon as the baby is proven to be mine. but these people have never been in a situation as messy as this. i've lost all respect for my former partner, likewise i don't feel any concern for the bastard growing in her. people have been telling me that i should do what is right because every child needs a father. unfortunately, these people have never felt that a person, especially someone who could be their own flesh and blood, could be sub-human. people have been telling me that i should show kindness by still c...

she has always been right. and it took me only now to see it. my relationship with her was built on a desire to fix her. this meant i was coming from a place where i didn't view her as an equal, but more like someone beneath me whom i had i wanted to pull from the mess that she's in. as a result, my respect for her was handicapped. and when she had told me "there are more important things to love than loyalty - such as respect", i should've seen it as a wake up call. every single time she broke up with me, i always chased after her - with the sole purpose of staying true to my promises and fulfilling our unfinished business. i never got her to a white sand beach, i never got her a corgi, i never got her a middle initial. the relationship i was fighting for essentially became a to-do list, rather than an actual relationship between two people with a shared love for each other. i overdid love as a verb, and perhaps in the process, obfuscated its meaning. and...

i don't blame the sugar daddy. there wasn't a relationship between me and him. if anything, it was adversarial. but what he does with his dick, it's out of my hands. he's off the hook. i have no intention to ruin his family life, and the lives of other people who are involved. if there's anyone that i sincerely seek revenge from, it's my former partner. summarily, i'll slowly shed my severe sense of sadness, however my principles persist: detractors deserve destruction. i will not have a heart for her, nor will i have a heart for the innocent kid even if it turns out to be mine. fact of the matter is the kid will be part of my former partner, and it makes that creature half of who i hate, and it likewise deserves my vengeance. and if in the end my intense feelings fade, i'm certain it won't be replaced with kindness. i'm one that derives pleasure from other people's suffering. and i will do my best to find something of value in ever...

someday i will forgive her. perhaps through courage, perhaps through generosity, or perhaps simply because i wouldn't care anymore. no matter the method i use to get there, no matter how long it takes, the goal is to find my peace someday. almost a month detached from the traumatic experience, i'm slowly seeing that her beastly betrayal doesn't truly affect my circumstances moving forward. i've effectively eliminated her from my existence. and just like an unused muscle, through her absence, my affection will atrophy, which will allow me to achieve absolution. my future is in my hands. i dictate my happiness. having known myself better from seeing how big of a heart i actually hold, i have hope that i can harness this capacity to harbor harmonious relationships, and in my own way, make the world a better place. except for those that mess with me and the company they keep.

all the pain stems from me not getting the desired outcome. a long and happy life with her, kids that she and i will raise together, a home where we'll always wake up next to each other. but ah well... that's not how things turned out for me. through enough rumination, reflection, and reevaluation - i managed to find inner reconciliation. i'm now prepared to go through this recovery process with an firm level-headedness which i hope to sustain until such time that i've managed to entirely let go every ember that keeps this man on fire ablaze. this experience has been transformative. i may have lost the love for one woman, but in exchange, i gained the love of several people in my life. those that don't let a difference in timezone be a hindrance in keeping continued communication, those that had the patience to try to understand me and my struggle in such an absurd predicament, those that maintained compassion despite my numerous blunders, those that knew th...

i loved intensely. she was my priority. she was the highlight of my day. she was the only one worth suffering for. she was my sole devotion. i loved intensely. more than i thought i could. she was the most consequential thing in my life. she was the reason for the many positive changes i adopted. she was the reason why i am a totally changed man from what the closest people in my life had known of me. i loved intensely. more than i thought i could. but it wasn't reciprocated. she took me for granted. she saw only the value i brought to the relationship. she never wanted to struggle and fight through life together. she didn't have the commitment. she only took and barely returned. and in the end she treated me like a disposable napkin - bloodied, having served its purpose, thrown into the trash. and a napkin is the last thing she needs now. i loved intensely. more than i thought i could. but it wasn't reciprocated. so now i hate intensely.

a loss is a loss, no matter the circumstance, we all must grieve. every single day is a struggle. my heart is constantly heavy, my appetite is absent, my brain is short of broken. i've been taking it one hour at a time because my misery has taken over me that even the next minute doesn't have a certainty of peace. i'm a horrible example of how to deal with a break up - the only way i could fall asleep is if i exhaust my mind so much that i can stop overthinking, which results into getting only 4 hours of sleep at best (when doctors recommend 7-9 hours), i've lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks (when doctors recommend losing, at most, only 2 pounds per week), and i've spent my entire fortnight salary on useless things even before my next pay check arrives (when financial advisers recommend saving at least 10% of your salary) no matter how much i write about what i'm going through, i don't think words can ever do justice to what i'm experiencing. you coul...

i was never one to be jealous of other guys. i demand a wholehearted commitment from my partner so it's never in my nature to second guess a girl's interaction with other men. having had this blow up where she was cheating unbeknownst to me while maintaining the balancing act of being the mother to my supposed kid, i'm not about to start being an obsessively jealous partner. there will be no over-corrections. i won't mistrust other people by default. a lot of their history explains the person they are today and the person they will become. it's too simple-minded to generalize all women as bitches and all men as trash. no, there's beauty in everyone. nevertheless, i maintain my hardline stance on never being jealous because the moment my partner shows disloyalty she automatically becomes a good riddance. i have no room in my heart to keep dissidents. i will be mercifully accepting of deeply flawed individuals, but the moment their coats turn, they might as ...

i'm self-assured enough to stand on my own two feet after a break up. i pride myself on a uniquely headstrong individuality that resonates true to my core - a brand. one that wears being weird on my sleeve, embracing any and all reactions both good and bad, rolling with the punches, never concealing any scars. as self-help-y as it sounds, i'm centered on who i am and what i stand for. yeah sure, there are things i'll miss out on, i'll feel left out from, things that will pass me by as the clock of life ticks away. but as long as i've done a thorough reevaluation of my life after hitting rock bottom, as long as i stay true to what genuinely matters to me, as long i stay open to the beauty of life's limitless possibilities... i will never regret every step of my heart's quest

i'll be first to admit: i didn't love her enough. i've seen couples go through much worse cases of infidelity. but giving up after being cheated on shows that my love is conditional. i should stay steadfast, learn to understand why she cheated on me, try to address them, and rebuild a relationship for the sake of our love. but i'm stepping away from that simply because i'm not man enough to continue loving her. her decision to put her personal needs over the relationship is a reflection of my shortcomings as a lover. i should step up. provide the love she deserves. find the strength to carry on and the generosity to love even when she may appear unworthy of love. but then again, i'm not jesus christ. so she can go fuck herself.

thank satan i dodged a bullet there for not rushing in to marry her for the kid. i would imagine my life even being more complicated than it already is. i may love a challenge, but i value peace of mind. how much of a loss would that have been if i've given my hand in marriage to a manipulative woman. that wouldn't just be bird shit on my head, that'd be the biggest ass fuck even horses would steer clear from. as with everyone else, my life centers around me, and i used to think i was in a really shitty situation, until i saw things in perspective: it could've been worse, i could've been dumber, she could've gotten away with it, she could've lived a happy life she didn't deserve. i can't afford to live life crippled and confined in a crappy coop caused by a calamitous cockery where i was a mere casualty. unfortunately, an innocent kid will get caught in the crossfire. it won't deserve the situation that it'll be in, so the onus is on th...

i'll have to move on eventually. this new phase of my life, i still have to get into the swing of things. but i'll get by, i'm sure satan moves in mysterious ways and i will always be right where i'm supposed to be. in my early 20s, i learned to be a self-sustaining individual. comfortable in my own skin, not dependent on other people for happiness. i had an unwavering sense of security that exuded overconfidence. i thought i was impervious to insecurities - until i met my recent ex-girlfriend. nobody has ever got through my defenses. i respected the hell out of her for being able to accomplish that. and that, i believe, i needed in my life. i wanted to be burned down, i wanted my foundations rocked, i wanted to be pushed to my limit because i firmly believe that by doing so, a better man will rise from the ashes. and perhaps now i still can't see that paragon of positive transformation yet. but given such fallout of nuclear proportions, even the most ardent...

i should be relieved. i don't have to keep my hair short. i can get on with my life without anyone who doesn't respect my way of doing things. i don't have to be forced to ask anyone if they've eaten already - y'know what that's such a stupid concept. people whom you have to be concerned about eating are irresponsible idiots that can't take care of themselves. i don't have to endure an unengaging companionship as if I'm monologuing to a deaf mute who doesn't even know sign language. i could squeeze out better conversations with grab drivers. i don't have to introduce myself to her parents as "hey, you might remember me last year for being the guy that you wanted to send to jail, and oh yeah, i'm now also the guy that got your daughter pregnant" i don't have to obsess over my cash flow to make sure that she gives birth properly. corollary to that, i don't even have to think of spending money to raise the kid any...

all she had truly wanted was love. growing up she had felt unworthy of love. it manifested in other people's mistreatment of her. she couldn't reconcile that dissonance, so she needed to be someone deserving of that ire. nevertheless, she still felt a strong desire to be loved. so she needed to constantly test people of their love for her. she always had a loaded gun, and in almost every step of the way she would shoot herself in the foot. because of how poorly valued she felt, she needed people to work harder to prove that she is indeed worth loving. she likewise needed a sense of security. it could be having the same church together, the same tattoo together, or even having your own child. she needed that leverage because once that has been established, in her mind, there's an anchor that would ensure that she has a shore to call her home. this allowed her to continue her vicious cycle of sequentially seeking and pushing away love. but then things got out of h...

she will be my last charity case. yeah sure, how dare i call someone as pretty as her a "charity case", she in fact might be even making me her "charity case" for putting up with someone as ugly and horrible as me, right? but know first how she truly is deep inside: see through her insecurities and façades, understand her proclivities and usual thought processes, account for her history of toxic relationships and behavior - and then tell me she isn't a charity case. i truly loved her. more than anything in the world. i had wanted our relationship to be my magnum opus. i endured her unbelievably short temper, her virulent remarks about anyone who has done her wrong, her vainglorious retelling of her triumphs, her overly dramatic portrayal of her struggles. these were common occurrences because she needed to keep sheltering her ego. and all i wanted was for her was to be real, at least with me, a man she claims to love. and to be fair, there were moments of ...

i pity her. she will never find true happiness. and yes, while this may appear as a statement of a grossly embittered man, all signs point to her living an unfulfilling life. yes she will have that kid for herself, it's going to be hard, but it's going to be rewarding - but without a father to raise that kid, it will fall prey with the same demons she faced throughout her life; without a partner to lean on, she will resort to unsavory ways to provide for herself and the kid. in a very 100 years of solitude kind of way, the characters won't matter, but more so the characterizations. she will lie through her teeth. the real story will never be revealed. hell, even i don't know the entire story - only the details that matter. only she will carry the cargo of the troubling truth. she won't come to terms with it because she will keep looking for ways to forget that this all ever happened. she will be in a constant state of chasing escapism. because when you...

this isn't how parenthood should be. i have reason to believe that i'm in fact not the father of what she's carrying, that alone is enough for me to exercise all of my legal rights. the gall of her to demand money from me when she was being supported by a sugar daddy - it's disgusting. unbecoming of a mother. understandably so, she's a little kid. she never truly grew up given her hangups from her youth. she may have an adult body. but deep inside all she wants is a father figure who would keep her safe, feel accepted, and shelter her from the evils of this world. she found that in an oxymoronic manner of being emotionally closed off but being intimately available. that's just how people with deep seated issues deal with the world. i knew that coming in the relationship - i was in fact a rebound guy she had been involved in immediately after her break up with her ex who cheated on her. and being someone who loves a challenge, i thought i could take on he...

it's a real rollercoaster of emotions - sometimes it's rage, sometimes it's shame, sometimes it's disgust, but it's never relief. logically i should find freedom in discovering that i was being cheated on early in a critical period of our relationship. let go and let her suffer. no amount of excuses or appeals to pity should ever make it okay. there are consequences to her actions, and she will have to live with it. no matter how much i love her. if it wasn't truly reciprocated in the first place, then i'm just being an idiot for letting myself feel any compassion or mercy to her situation. during our first kiss she told me "you're digging your own grave" - in retrospect, she was right. i should probably get tested.

the next time i fall in love i will still throw my entire being into its flames like a fool. most people, having gone through what i went through, will probably approach love with trepidation. sensible, yes. you must leave some sanity for yourself. don't let someone be the center of your universe. because the deeper the entanglement, the more devastating the departure. that is the prevailing wisdom. but i've been in two ends of the spectrum - one where i fell in love deeply, and the other where i smartly managed the relationship. and nothing beats fulfillment. not even a dance with the devil of deceit will spoil my spirits. i'm hurt, yes. incredibly so. but as long as wounds can heal. i'll face the future with no fear.

a week detached from the incident, perhaps my first aid countermeasures will start losing its efficacy. i have to start weaning myself from reliving the past both good and bad, i have to start reducing my ruminations on the what ifs and why nots, i have to start minimizing my needless anticipation of future fears. however, i wouldn't put it past my subconscious mind to suddenly inject intrusive thoughts out of nowhere. there will be triggers, i know. but i'll have to get out of this protective bubble one way or another. because we can't move forward until we haven't come to terms with our new normal. but i am still unequivocally and unapologetically furious. i've never been to this level - this is way above boiling or melting point. in my previous relationship, i was weak and vulnerable, thinking that i could depend on the love of my partner as someone i could lean on. but now, the cudgels i have to carry on my own. the universe sure has its way of always le...

she never apologized. after months and months of making me think that everything was my fault, for making me think that i've been the worst person to ever treat her, for pointing out how much she didn't need me nor have me as her priority. and all the while, she's been getting all that she needs from someone else while maintaining the convenience of our relationship. that's just vile. arguably, i may have also been wrong here. i wasn't affectionate enough, i didn't shower her with attention, i may not have been putting in the right effort. unfortunately for me, the man i'm up against has a wife and kids to go home to where he can get that stability and emotional support - for all the hardships i went through in the relationship, she barely gave any. i had nothing to go on, nothing to hold on to. but i don't blame her, she prioritized herself more than anything else. and i just simply chose the wrong person to love.

i have never been cheated on, at least not that i know of, until now. but i've heard stories, i've commiserated with those aggrieved, and i've also heard the side of the guilty. as an observer, all i could provide really was insight. perhaps i never learned from them because i've never heard of a much worse infidelity story than my own. i should've seen the signs: from how we started, from how she claimed to have grown out of a previously machiavellian approach to romance, her urgent and desperate need to provide for both herself, her family, and the impending baby - the man she cheated on me with, he was convenient, he had the power, the resources, the opportunity to make her feel desired, to which i had little to give relative to him. this is bad, i'm rationalizing again.

the 24-hour news cycle ends and i'll have to fight the demons on my own. i'm sincerely touched by the outpouring of support from everyone - to those who cared, to those were merely intrigued and are pretending to care. i used to think that the online world is such an alienating place - but that's when all my interactions were merely limited to likes and views. but at the end of the day, support will merely be just that. it's not meant to be the main foundation of what you stand for as a person. it shouldn't be a compensating mechanism for what you lack in inner resolve. so my deepest gratitude to everyone, i won't disappoint.

left alone with my thoughts i imagine how it must've been for her to do what she did: to a married man, to an office superior - while still keeping around a person who she claimed she loved, while having another human being in her. i really tried to find the beauty in her up until the very end. despite the numerous warning signs in the span of 2 years, despite having had people actively deter me from continuing my relationship with her - i had really thought she meant it when she and i will be spending our whole lives together. and even if the lowest were lower than i've gone before, i was sincerely willing to lose more sleep, get stuck in traffic more, lose focus in my career - to basically destroy myself in the process because when i profess my love for her, it meant for better or for worse, no matter how disproportionate the those two may be, because even if i only had 1 better moment with her, it easily outweighs the hundred more worse times. perhaps that's why th...

breaking up with her at the time of a questionable pregnancy may have been the biggest lease on life i've ever stumbled upon. my recent blog entries have been abhorrently bleak, the thought of fatherhood taking away my life scared me, the looming stress of my then-girlfriend sucks the life out of me - on a whole, i have been utterly lacking in life. the absurdly convoluted circumstance for me deciding to break up with her will leave a lot of people speechless. it still hurts as fuck, but that's simply because betrayal is a bitch, but going through one in an extended of period of time having thought of shit going down being your fault and yours alone - it can be quite jarring to step back into the real world where you're not under the glow of the gaslight. nevertheless, i will get better. i've been in such a long rut that there's no where to go but up. admittedly, i may have hit rock bottom. this is perhaps the lowest that i've gone. but at the end of the...