my pain needs a voice

a loss is a loss, no matter the circumstance, we all must grieve.

every single day is a struggle. my heart is constantly heavy, my appetite is absent, my brain is short of broken. i've been taking it one hour at a time because my misery has taken over me that even the next minute doesn't have a certainty of peace.

i'm a horrible example of how to deal with a break up - the only way i could fall asleep is if i exhaust my mind so much that i can stop overthinking, which results into getting only 4 hours of sleep at best (when doctors recommend 7-9 hours), i've lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks (when doctors recommend losing, at most, only 2 pounds per week), and i've spent my entire fortnight salary on useless things even before my next pay check arrives (when financial advisers recommend saving at least 10% of your salary)

no matter how much i write about what i'm going through, i don't think words can ever do justice to what i'm experiencing. you could understand portions of it, perhaps even an overly simplified narrative, but it's highly nuanced that even i keep remembering previously irrelevant details that, when viewed through the lens of having an unfaithful partner, reveals how much i've been truly played like a damn fiddle. it's perhaps my fault for letting it slide without any intervention. but cheating is a choice. being tempted is temporary.

and while i may feel like my life is crumbling down, this despair isn't permanent.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...
Read more

meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more