eat me henger

after a year of paying for chatgpt, i find myself intensely exerting myself in every task.  a policy paper to write? deep research that shit like a doctoral dissertation. a memo to prepare? architect the prompt paragraph by paragraph. a workout to do? report how it felt and how to improve the biomechanics after every set. a weird noise of the car? have it search for the right spare part code. a tweet to post? analyze the subtext of every word. a decision to make? brainstorm the hell out of it. there's no denying, chatgpt has been extremely helpful. it helped me systematize my insight and automate my daily mundanities. it's my daily oracle, my personal jesus. sure, at times it spews the wrong response. at least, it helped me become a more critical reader. but still, by and large, it's been the most significant subscription i've had thus far. unfortunately, i over-optimized the capabilities of chatgpt too much that i'm burning out. i spend twice the amount of a netfli...

work has been terribly demanding. i'm writing this without the luxury of time. i would've preferred to introspect deliberately, but life is a balance. the job that allows me to afford my desires must have a piece of my time. i just happen to be at a time of my career where opportunities are aplenty while the space to keep with the pace isn't comfortable. this will be temporary. this is likewise a privilege. only a handful of people can ever claim to be entrusted with the role i'm currently encumbered with. i want to be lazy, i want to take it easy. but life happens outside my whims. the nile river didn't care for whether ancient egyptians wanted to relax when the floodplains needed tending. man simply learned to live around the rhythms of nature. while my current workstream is entirely man-made, i still have to adjust. that's what simply being part of a whole is all about.

i'm hardly a good choice.  at the outset, sure, physically, i'm a decent option. after a conversation, my humor, depth and intellect are a potent combination. after some time, given the right circumstances, my practical value as a domestic partner reveals itself. but i'm replaceable. i can imagine a long list of more suitable men than me. granted relationships aren't determined by an absolute measure. it's still finding the right fit between partners. but across demographics, there's a guy that's a better fit than me waiting to be discovered. i'm a sub-optimal option. i see my value as a transient figure. the rebound, the shoulder to cry on. under a timer, my limited value shines, while my impending character flaws don't have sufficient time to set an ambush. i tried a couple of times. deeply invested. tragically failed. it's hard to bounce back from a heartache. it's a place i don't want to return to. so much so that i'd willingly le...

i hate it when people like me. i can see ahead. they're adding to the list of people whom i will disappoint. it feels like a prison when people hope for my potential. i can never seem to live up to people's expectations. having lived long enough with as long of a list of people disappointed in me already, even mere anticipation of my capability feels ominous. their rose-tinted glasses of optimism can't see the incoming heartache they're bound to feel. time and time again, the worst in me reveals itself after the best of me have attracted hopeful patrons. and it's not like i wanted to let them down. yeah sure, i've anticipated it will happen. but i never wanted to architect my own downfall. it hurts me to hurt them. probably more so than their pain. when they walk away from me, they'll find joy elsewhere. but i have to sit disgusted with myself, adding another name to an ever growing list of people that hate me. it's my unfortunate duality. the stories of...

it's been a year since i started subscribing to a paid version of chatgpt. it didn't come cheap. it's equivalent to a month of netflix and hbo max combined. but i believe i'm getting my money's worth. i've since let go of my media streaming subscriptions. i can always torrent the shows i want to watch, but i can't get an untiring and intelligent simulated consciousness elsewhere. i will admit, my actual long-form writing has gotten duller after a year of depending on chatgpt to do most of my writing. all i've been really doing is to to engineer the substance - "i want a paragraph with a sentence that describes what are we doing, another sentence for why are we doing it, and ending with a sentence that explains why do we need their cooperation" - architect the style - "the language must be cold and technical for a reader that is thoroughly familiar with the nature of work we're doing". and paring down the output into something th...

i don't see it.  i don't see how i can be a lover again. i have a dwindling career. i only have fair-weather friends. i have no interest in living life outside the same things i do at home on weekends. i've regressed into debilitating mental instability. i'm just good at temporary roles, for when my moments of lucidity allows me. i can't talk to my folks because they were never there. just enough to keep a roof over my head. i'm invisibly disabled. i can go through enough real-life motions to convince others that i'm allowed in society. but really, once my parents are dead, i'll soon follow. i'm not convinced i can make it through life given my limitations. neither am i convinced anyone is capable of helping me get through life. people have given up on me several times. i don't blame them, i gave up on myself too.o because what's the point? i'm only temporarily useful.