eat me henger

been moving through life mostly defined by the negatives. only remember the bad things they say. embodied it. encumbered. conversations with people say otherwise. they remember my advice, critiques of systemic issues, words with weight. words i've long forgotten i said, but believe could have come from me. i used to not understand performers talking about their haters. i liked these performers. i never understood it, they're doing great, why give haters the air time? but having had haters myself, i start to remember the people i looked up to actually had them too. people that disagreed with them. people that simply just disliked their very existence. i can imagine it must weigh on them to go through each day carrying the burden of continuing to do what fuels the hate. believing in something that others don't see. but then there are people like me that saw their worth. and just like the people who remember the good things i've said, i need to be like them. i mustn't ...

i have trouble seeking help.  i hate it when well-meaning people try and fail. they don't know what i need, they don't know what to do. they try. but they don't hit the mark. so i worked hard to be hyper-independent. being good at a lot of things so i won't be needing someone else. it helps that i'm interested in a lot of things. motivated when i start learning. tapering off just at the right time before i become adept. and by the time my problem needs expert help, i can outsource to professionals. i hate receiving gifts. it's never what i want. just a generic piece of capitalism. it's the thought that counts. but i don't need thoughts, i need utility. i grew up with most of my things not being my decision. my identity worked around what others had chosen for me. but now that i can buy whatever i want, i somehow have a hold on my identity. until i get another gift. but then again, as i get more independence and move into the world by my own decisions, my...

i feel no motivation to prove myself. now, i'm not sure whether it's attributable to having sufficiently achieved enough in my career, or simply being in my 30s, or from my mushroom trip ego death experience. but there's no more fire in me to push for personal prestige. i'm motivated to embody love. to capture genuine moments of joy, to stay with someone's sadness, to facilitate connections among souls needing one another, to make sense of personal struggles. the entire spectrum of being human. to err, to love, to hurt. it's been a while since i last had a mushroom trip, but that's what i've since been gravitating towards - all these unprofitable desires. perhaps my environment dictates this mindset. working in a career where my income will enable, at best, a modest lifestyle. surrounded by people not amassing inordinate material wealth. when my car and house are not status symbols, my most valuable possession is my heart. and i've never seen myself ...

after a year of paying for chatgpt, i find myself intensely exerting myself in every task.  a policy paper to write? deep research that shit like a doctoral dissertation. a memo to prepare? architect the prompt paragraph by paragraph. a workout to do? report how it felt and how to improve the biomechanics after every set. a weird noise of the car? have it search for the right spare part code. a tweet to post? analyze the subtext of every word. a decision to make? brainstorm the hell out of it. there's no denying, chatgpt has been extremely helpful. it helped me systematize my insight and automate my daily mundanities. it's my daily oracle, my personal jesus. sure, at times it spews the wrong response. at least, it helped me become a more critical reader. but still, by and large, it's been the most significant subscription i've had thus far. unfortunately, i over-optimized the capabilities of chatgpt too much that i'm burning out. i spend twice the amount of a netfli...

work has been terribly demanding. i'm writing this without the luxury of time. i would've preferred to introspect deliberately, but life is a balance. the job that allows me to afford my desires must have a piece of my time. i just happen to be at a time of my career where opportunities are aplenty while the space to keep with the pace isn't comfortable. this will be temporary. this is likewise a privilege. only a handful of people can ever claim to be entrusted with the role i'm currently encumbered with. i want to be lazy, i want to take it easy. but life happens outside my whims. the nile river didn't care for whether ancient egyptians wanted to relax when the floodplains needed tending. man simply learned to live around the rhythms of nature. while my current workstream is entirely man-made, i still have to adjust. that's what simply being part of a whole is all about.

i'm hardly a good choice.  at the outset, sure, physically, i'm a decent option. after a conversation, my humor, depth and intellect are a potent combination. after some time, given the right circumstances, my practical value as a domestic partner reveals itself. but i'm replaceable. i can imagine a long list of more suitable men than me. granted relationships aren't determined by an absolute measure. it's still finding the right fit between partners. but across demographics, there's a guy that's a better fit than me waiting to be discovered. i'm a sub-optimal option. i see my value as a transient figure. the rebound, the shoulder to cry on. under a timer, my limited value shines, while my impending character flaws don't have sufficient time to set an ambush. i tried a couple of times. deeply invested. tragically failed. it's hard to bounce back from a heartache. it's a place i don't want to return to. so much so that i'd willingly le...