girl in tears

this isn't how parenthood should be.

i have reason to believe that i'm in fact not the father of what she's carrying, that alone is enough for me to exercise all of my legal rights. the gall of her to demand money from me when she was being supported by a sugar daddy - it's disgusting. unbecoming of a mother.

understandably so, she's a little kid. she never truly grew up given her hangups from her youth. she may have an adult body. but deep inside all she wants is a father figure who would keep her safe, feel accepted, and shelter her from the evils of this world.

she found that in an oxymoronic manner of being emotionally closed off but being intimately available.

that's just how people with deep seated issues deal with the world. i knew that coming in the relationship - i was in fact a rebound guy she had been involved in immediately after her break up with her ex who cheated on her. and being someone who loves a challenge, i thought i could take on helping her get through with her issues, both recent and longstanding. there was definitely a pushback. the only love language she understood was one she's comfortable in - one that never truly heals the fractures underneath her emotional casts, one that never drains out the pus from beneath her personal bandages. none of that jesus crap that she shed off immediately after her relationship with her devout christian ex. a love language that puts an accurate mirror in front of her that reflects back everything wrong about her with the end goal of working things out to compassionately accept our flaws as part of us and to be mindful of correcting our wayward decisions.

i had loved her, and thought i could make her life better. but i was too burned by her betrayal. perhaps, i don't love her enough. perhaps, i've smartened up.

but i respect free will, i hope she respects mine.

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