abort mission

left alone with my thoughts i imagine how it must've been for her to do what she did:

to a married man, to an office superior - while still keeping around a person who she claimed she loved, while having another human being in her.

i really tried to find the beauty in her up until the very end. despite the numerous warning signs in the span of 2 years, despite having had people actively deter me from continuing my relationship with her - i had really thought she meant it when she and i will be spending our whole lives together. and even if the lowest were lower than i've gone before, i was sincerely willing to lose more sleep, get stuck in traffic more, lose focus in my career - to basically destroy myself in the process because when i profess my love for her, it meant for better or for worse, no matter how disproportionate the those two may be, because even if i only had 1 better moment with her, it easily outweighs the hundred more worse times.

perhaps that's why this has been really devastating for me.

it was indeed a toxic relationship. one exacerbated by never having a concerted effort between us to actually fix what's broken. it was like trying to correct a errant child by spanking him even more to kowtow to what should happen without any guide on how to get from point A to point P.

it makes sense, why would you want to struggle with someone when you could easily jump ship to someone else who has already got his shit together?

all you had to do was to start sending selfies.

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