eat me henger

it has always been my aspiration to represent the country in sports. i believed i had it in me - i was genetically gifted with the height, quick reaction times, the ability to almost intuitively read the opponent's game. i was also lucky to have been in one of the best high school football programs in the country. no less than the then-national head coach saw the potential in me and took me under his wing. during trainings, he would pull me away from the team and make me focus on the weaknesses of my game. and that's when my more inherent weaknesses insidiously crept out. in my youth, all i wanted was to be on the field and play. and with my coach focusing solely on me, i was singled out every training as that one kid that never got to play. i never saw it as a learning opportunity, i never saw it as a chance for improvement. it frustrated me, and got my head out of the game. instead of getting better, my morale was spiraling down. had a mentor figure guided me to see t

i'm always willing to dive into painful situations - of course, i'm an athlete and a reckless individual, throwing myself like a fool is in my genes. there's no method to the madness, i do a lot of things without thinking them through. i simply bank on an extremely malleable adaptability, an optimistic regard for the future, and readiness to accept any outcome. so it was never really a problem for me to be in any bad situation. of course there will be the initial struggle to accept the new normal, just as i feel terribly nervous right before i go on stage for any talk, but it's simply a matter of learning to embrace the entire experience from the bad until you get through what's good. this has been the worst period i've gone through in recent memory, the last time i really felt this bad was way back in puberty, but perhaps it's simply a matter of having that one major traumatic experience for every phase of my life to keep me on my toes and perhaps remin

my mental health took for a turn for the worse the past couple of years. i never thought it was ever a thing, but apparently anxiety attacks are real - when you're overwhelmed with negative emotions but you have no form of release so you tense up, your hands uncontrollably shake and turn cold, and violent thoughts overcome you to the point where it'll only take a minor nudge to push you into committing a crime. and indeed i've committed at least one, and was borderline about to do several in the span of a year or so. looking back, i wasn't really in a good environment. my anger was always triggered, my depression was never addressed, and my healing never came. the easiest solution is burying the pain, being stronger, and moving ahead. sensible, yes, but i've been dealing with enough nutjobs and damaged people to know that simply burying it is a surefire way to cultivate its growth. now that i can entirely focus on myself and being unencumbered by any personal

when i think about it, the relationship really was doomed to fail. on a fundamental level, we never really were a team. i would go as far as to say that she wasn't a good teammate. i never really felt that she and i were working together towards accomplishing a common goal. a lot of times, it felt like i was doing my thing, and she was doing hers, we have dinner, and then that's it for the day. so i do get why her excitement for the relationship will wane off, and given her poor personal values, it's understandable that she cheated on me. we were always kept from each other's worlds - or at least that's what i think. credit to her, she put in more effort to reveal to others our relationship. whereas the only time i had to tell others she and i have a thing is when i thought i got her pregnant. after the whole breaking into the her apartment brouhaha, i felt that the relationship was merely on life support. she can't bring a criminal to her family, and i can&

maybe i didn't appreciate her enough, maybe i didn't made her feel loved, maybe in a lot of ways i was lacking as a lover. i really am quite hard to please. i've set extremely high standards that anyone would be lucky if i expressed appreciation to them on a weekly basis. i'm also the last person to lie - even white lies just to make people feel good about themselves. even if it works to my favor to butter up people undeservedly so, i'd rather lose with my principles intact than to add to the ever growing disingenuousness of modern society. that, i believe, is an environment not conducive for a relationship, especially when one that has a deep and insatiable hunger for approval. perhaps it's my fault that she decided to find those positive feelings elsewhere, especially given her physical qualities that make her prime target for being showered with appreciation. it is perhaps likewise my fault for not showing her financial stability so i can prove to her tha

i was taught to be gracious in defeat. having processed a lot of my negative emotions and having talked things out with my newly established and diversely extensive support system, i'm grateful for the loss. i'm grateful that i didn't cause the break up. i was merely the victim of a girl who cheated on me and horribly mistreated me while her infidelity was going on behind the scenes. as the aggrieved, the cargo that i carry is merely getting over the betrayal and the abuse she dished out. on the other hand, she will have her conscience for tainted for the rest of her life for having done something wrong on so many different levels. and at a young age of being in her early 20s, she has to live with her disgusting self for relatively longer compared to the dirty old men who cheat on their wives (and whom my former partner has cheated with) in their 40s or 50s. and if the childbirth pushes through, she'll have a constant reminder of her whoring side gig. hopefully that

i lost more than i gained in my recent relationship. credit where it's due, she tried. but not where it mattered the most. having opened up my social life again to other people, it's becoming more and more glaring how much mercy and compassion i had afforded her. yeah sure, there will be times i can't take it anymore and i'll lash out - but if i were as short tempered as she was on a regular basis, i'd be jailed by now. having regained my freedom, i love being able to spend time with people who can take a joke. my humor has always been dark, dry, and scathing. my ex doesn't have the capacity to laugh at herself, which is to be expected given her deep seated insecurities - any form of attack on her, even if it's my way to bring to light painful truths and make them acceptable, she will be defensive and either deny it or get back at you by being ill-mannered. i will hurt people with the jokes that i try to pull off, but in the same manner as priests use se

i was standing in the middle of the famed ayala lights last night. same place, same time last year when i was still with a girl whom i once loved. i thought going there would be bittersweet, probably traumatizing even. maybe it was the grand christmas music and the colorful light show, i don't know, but somehow a feeling of acceptance dawned on me. having accepted that it was only right that we aren't together anymore. having accepted that i've done my part, to the best of my ability, to help her get through a year or two of her life. having accepted that now it's my turn to be taken cared of, and there's no other person more suited to do that than myself. for the longest time, i've been doing my best to take care of myself - to stay happy, excited, and full of life. of course, for a while, it has taken a backseat during my recent relationship as i had endeavored to impart that same exuberance for existence to my former partner whom i saw as someone that nee

i've been very irresponsible with how i lived my life recently. when i was still in a relationship, i had sacrificed a lot of what kept me grounded and sane such as a healthy sleeping pattern, financial security, and professional consistency. no, i'm not blaming my former partner for all of these things going down the shitter. i've in fact made a conscious decision to take a hit on those aspects of my life so i could focus my efforts on her, because at the time, i thought she was worth it. now that she's gone, in as much as i would like to regain those things again, the grieving process isn't conducive to setting myself straight. but perhaps i'm just being too hard on myself, as i always am. i would have hoped that immediately after eradicating her from my existence, i would instantly resume to a sense of normalcy similar to my peak single days. but that's the farthest thing from reality. i'd go as far as to say that i'm in a much worse situa

i once had a near death experience. an overloaded ten-wheeler dump truck with faulty brakes was freewheeling uncontrollably downhill. it crashed into a comparably dainty sedan at the bottom of the inclined road. in the passenger seat, a high school brat smashed his face onto the ceiling of the car. yes, you read that right - the impact was so intense that a seated passenger's face smashed onto the ceiling of the car. and that's the story why i have an ugly nose. with a car that was basically squished to half its size, i was rushed to the nearest medical facility, crimson masked and all. i vividly remember first time telling my high school sweetheart that i loved her. that's all the memory that mattered. and then came the medical procedures. my parents were real professionals and got to me soon as they could clock out of work. i didn't need to be confined in the hospital. i'm passably functional right then and there. but that changed the way i lived my life fro

i had wanted her to patch her relationship up with her estranged father because i knew she had classic daddy issues and that's what i had believed to be the way to make her whole again. true enough, she decided to have a relationship with an older authority figure at the expense of her relationship with me and what could have been a complete family for her kid. i can see moving forward that she'll realize that it's her compulsion to be attracted to older men, but she won't realize it's because she's filling a void of the approval she never got from her father. she will crave approval wherever she could get it, regardless of how repulsive the person or the circumstance may be. and that is utterly devastating. i have a shitload of pity for her given her situation. even until now, realizing how tough she has it in life, my heart breaks for her. but if there's anything i learned from every girl or woman in my life with daddy issues, it's never a good

in these trying times, the peace i find is temporary. i made a conscious decision to not get inebriated as a means to deal with the pain of being cheated on. i could've easily been dependent on alcohol to get me through my days, or go back to my lab to cook up a new batch of magical medicine. but i want to take on the challenge of dealing with this struggle in a healthy way. it's really difficult to do very basic things like sleep or eat without being haunted by negative thoughts. it helps to keep a positive visualization of how i'm better off after the break up because i don't have to deal with such abominable creature such as she is. but really in an alternate universe where she isn't a whore, i would've wanted to raise that family with her. she took away a lot of things and ruined everything else that remained. i will admit, i'm in such a mess right now that i have to work extra hard to not kill myself. while i'm quite grateful to those that tr

i never capitalize in my personal writing. i've had some complain about that manner of writing, and perhaps it may be nuisance that people could get over with, it is however, deeply personal to me. this blog is me. these are the most intimate and least filtered thoughts i have. someday i'll die, but my writing here will live on. more than just the subject matters of my blog, this personalization extends even to my manner of writing: there is a rhythm to my prose and that's just my desire to write poetry manifesting in this blog. i'm, in fact, originally a poet by practice. (see my original oeuvre in my 2006-2007 blog the mind's shit ) hence my propensity for rhyming schemes, alliteration and everything in between. i've decided to put off writing poetry to allow me to write less cryptic and more explicit insights. unfortunately, i'm fallibly literal and, more often than not, i need things spelled out for me. there is likewise a pattern to the differen

i'm at a point in my life where material things don't fulfill me. it's been brewing for a while and perhaps that's why the thought of my allegiance being bought has been becoming more alien. i used to get excited to upgrading my decently functional things, or getting new gear to add to my collection, but somehow all material pursuits feel vapid. i don't necessarily live for personal experiences like a vacation or a novel activity. i find that spending time with others - bringing joy to their lives, helping them in whatever way i can, basically being a positive impact to them - is what i find fulfilling. now i'm not about to go philanthropic with my life. though i may have self-sacrificing tendencies, it's merely an effect of me simply wanting to do something good for someone. neither am i an angel, mind you. i still wear the badge of being an asshole with pride. it's the edge to an otherwise soft heart of mine. that's just simply who i am. mo

mornings are when the worst thoughts come to me. i wish her the worst. she deceived me and even made it appear that she was holier than thou. unfortunately for her, if there's a hell, she'll surely end up there. i wish she suffers a tragic death on the delivery room. after the pain of childbirth, but before she sees her baby. i wish a group of crooks take her somewhere dark and slices off her nipples so she can never breastfeed her bastard. i wish a rouge nurse sews shut her vagina as soon as her water breaks, and dulls the equipment they'll use for cesarean section. i wish she gives birth to a deformed monster so difficult to love and to maintain its life. now if it ever turns out that i'm legally mandated to provide child support, there are ways to game the system to maximize her suffering. if i'm not gonna get the family i wanted, she sure as shit won't get it too. i wish her kid suffers the same sexual abuse as she and her sister did with

it's a great postseason for both of my alma maters on one hand, you have the ever so dominant san beda red lions always being there in the finals of the ncaa, this time around, waiting at the end of the stepladder after having swept the entire season winning all games. on the other hand, you have the underdog triumph of the ust growling tigers overcoming the stepladder format of the uaap from the bottom of the final four. i've always been a collegiate basketball fan since san beda ended their 28-year championship drought back in 2006, and i've had my fair share of tense moments, bitter defeats, and sweet wins. but lately i haven't been as engrossed as i usually do, and given my bad situation being fresh from a breakup, i needed this medium of being able to vicariously share the victory of a bunch of basketball players in college - to have my spirits uplifted. while there's no shortage successes from my teams, it's not in the accomplishments i find value in

i am perhaps the karma she deserved she was never the most upstanding of citizens. sooner or later the bad things she has done and kept doing had to come bite her in the ass. to the detriment of her career, the future of her kid, and her public persona. of course it'll also come at a cost to me, i will look bad as the guy that abandoned a girl during pregnancy. but that'll be in the eyes of people i don't care about. i was always willing to take the hit if it means i could deal much worse damage to the opposition. and the damage to her is galaxies apart compared to the hit i had to take. i have a bright future in my own hands, unshackled by the responsibility of a kid, and an encumberingly dependent family. i get to have more of the life that i love and now have the wisdom and freedom to make it even better. i get to keep the job i love while winning the sympathy of the people that matter to me, and even people in high places who barely know me. i don't have t

it takes one good dream to remind me of the positive feelings i had in the relationship. if there's one word i would use to describe the relationship it's "inexplicable" - it was inexplicably good, it was inexplicably bad, it was in was in every which way possible inexplicable. in the several times i've written and rationalized how bad the relationship was, i was merely scratching the surface. there was always that inexplicable excitement in the thought of spending time with her, no matter how lackluster, no matter how much it pales in comparison with the fun i have with other people - time spent with her was inexplicably meaningful. and there are a million other ways that maintaining the relationship with her made me feel so alive. i had very little doubts with her, i trusted her fully, committed to give my entire being to her, left very little for myself. foolish, terribly so, i know. but i was inexplicably deeply in love with her. it was perhaps too sel

the missing piece in order to move on with my life is motivation. while i'm greatly compelled to do things for myself, i'm terribly unmotivated to do them. the way i've been managing my mishap for the past couple of months have been nothing short of wonderful. given the circumstances, i couldn't ask for more. but of course, brewing within me is all the pain from being wronged and seeking retribution - and that's what shackles me from truly flying free. the things which ought to happen and the things i want to happen are diametrically opposed. to be fair, i could let go of those that bother me to get the desired outcome. the moving parts have been set. so even without my active intervention, if the leaks get through the cracks, the water will be poisoned. i personally have done enough, i'd like to rest now. i believe there are sufficient actors who care to continue my scheme.

breakups are puzzles - sometimes couples have the luxury to piece it together, sometimes it's left there with one of the partners withholding the missing pieces to complete it. questions on where i might've been wrong, what could i have done better, what was the tipping point - none of the answers matter to me. because infidelity will always be inexcusable. it's not like it's her first time at the rodeo - she has already cheated on her previous boyfriend, she claimed alcohol was involved, but i doubt she's continually drunk for a couple of months or so. and anyone who blames inebriation for doing shitty things either fail to see that they're shitty people themselves, or are fully aware of their own shittiness that they need to blame something that can't defend itself - like a chemical compound. she has already had a history of using men for material gain, she had philandered with her college professor for an academic advantage. (you wonder if she truly

"you do you" - that's the best thing anyone has said to me. people can never truly understand this cocktail of catastrophe that came to me. it's exhausting to deal with people who try to hammer some humanity in me by pleading to my mercy and compassion to the child who had nothing to do with anything. you should've seen how my whore of an ex partner used her pregnancy to manipulate and abuse me - she essentially used the kid as a weapon against me. of course she'll never admit to anything, who would want to look like the worst human being in the world anyway? especially when one has a handicapped sense of self-esteem. thankfully enough, i have a requisite level of self-assuredness to admit when i'm wrong. and yes, i will admit that what i plan to embark on for the next couple of decades will be terribly terribly wrong. it's kind of a funny story. some people actually think that my tune will change the moment i find out that the kid is of my own b

i promised myself to write about my feelings every single day as a means to exorcise my excessively negative emotions. and it's already my bedtime and somehow i don't have anything to write about. which doesn't necessarily mean i have no negative feelings, they're still very much alive and kicking. but i'm just not compelled to push through with any of the drafts i've been writing. perhaps because i also promised myself to minimize writing about the same thing twice. i don't think i can keep track because unlike the first couple of weeks of being fresh from the catastrophic break up, i'm not keen on rereading my blog entries probably because i'm slowly getting over it. i really need to have some sort of inspiration to write, and my former partner, or her sugar daddy, or even the bastard that she's trying to pin on me, aren't enough of a driving force for me anymore. there isn't an infinite amount of ways to tell people to fuck off whe

after being cheated on with an older guy by my former partner who was also cheated on in her previous relationship, i started questioning who else out there is cheating on their wives? who else out there is cheating on their boyfriends? and how likely will the victims of cheating turn into the perpetrators themselves? when i see high ranking government officials on tv, i wonder how many mistresses have they had? and do they also take a shit where they eat and fuck around with their employees too? will i turn out to be like them in the future? (probably not half as successful as they are, nor as wealthy, but i mean, the capacity to juggle more than one woman at the same time) perhaps my one-track mind can't fathom having to balance both a professional and personal life. i can't be a competent high ranking government official and at the same time be philandering with my employees. i will compartmentalize, yes, turn off my personal brain during office hours, turn off my work b

the moment i found out that i was allegedly going to be a dad, the part of my brain that found other women attractive suddenly turned off. for a couple of months or so no beautiful face nor soul registered to me as likable - until over the weekend. the lady was tall, and tall is always good. the lady carried herself with an unassuming beauty, until you actually find out her stature that supremely surpasses mine, or most guys for that matter. the lady was broadly opinionated and situationally sharp, a respectable yang to my yin. for all intents and purposes, this tom has met his autumn. however, i'm not about to rush into a relationship, nor even strut into a steady pace to seek out this lady. you see, we're both on the same boat of being just recently detached from a deceitful denouement. fun fact: we were both cheated on by our respective exes while they were germanic-speaking countries. we both understand how hard it is to try to move on and deal with the crippling isol

of course i still have strong feelings for her, i committed myself to love her more than anything in this world. my feelings became more intense when i had found out that i was going to be a father. i poured every waking moment i had for myself to planning out the future for our family. i had the budget laid out, i had a stocktake of major expenses for the kid until it graduates from college in the year 2045. i was gearing up to give her the best pregnancy experience ever, and to give our child the best family ever. but then it all changed when i saw her texting the sugar daddy on kissing him when he returns so he doesn't get pissed anymore. what the actual fuck, my niggers, she never said that to me. but then again, i didn't give her a shitload of money too. only the two of them know what other sweet nothings they've been telling each other. who knows, maybe i'm the third party who's actually ruining their love story.

she's a smart woman. she will justify up until the bitter end that it was never her fault; she was pushed to do it; she felt helpless, powerless, and that it was the only thing that could have been done given the circumstances. and that is utterly disgusting: her weakness masquerading as an excuse to do wrong. perhaps she can even justify it as having the strength to stomach to do what is bad for the good of others - even more disgusting. or maybe, she'll just deny everything that happened and pin the blame on me because i won't be there to defend myself. anyone who sides with her are either idiots who don't know any better cause she lied to them, or morally upright and bright individuals that welcomes infidelity with married individuals that has had children with several other partners so not only have i lost hope in her, i see nothing but a creature evil to its core. and its spawn isn't automatically absolved by mere absence from the atrocity. collateral damag

people detached from the situation would've wanted me to care for the child. and that's what she would've wanted too. but what people don't get is that she was smart about it. she knew that the morally upright thing to do is to be responsible for a child regardless of the circumstance - and she knew to use that as a license to do a morally reprehensible act of siphoning funds from a married man in exchange for sexual favors. so to those that want me to be responsible for the child - you are all being played. she wanted her cake and eat it too, and this time, the law in fact allows her to do so. the evidence pinning her of the misdeeds are locked inside her inbox. i admit, i will never have as strong as a case as hers. whereas the proof of me being the dad, and hence responsible for the child, is a couple of strands of hair away. that's the truly embittering part about this; it's not the infidelity - couples have that all the time, it's not the emotiona

"fingers crossed, it's not yours" - see this is where everyone gets it wrong there's no need to wish upon any star, because they have burned out already. there won't be any twinkle in my eyes, nor any warm regard to the situation. this much the universe should know: no matter the circumstance, the kid will never be mine. nobody will ever understand the gravity of the situation. you can't simply take the pregnancy, the infidelity, the manipulation, the mistreatment, and the abuse in isolation. they all spell a unique scenario that probably no language on this planet has a particular word for. no wait, the english language does, and it's the word "fucked" i got fucked over, that's fair to say. she got fucked by her sugar daddy, that's also fair to say. likewise, she will get fucked by a life of being a single mother (barring any miscarriages - fingers crossed) and having her bastard deal with its own set of daddy issues. it is ind

she ruined fatherhood for me. i used to want to be a single dad. i like the idea of solely taking care of a kid, a daughter ideally. there's something about the challenge of being two parents at the same time that calls to me so deeply.  but even if in an ideal world, where she dies during childbirth and her family decides on the idiotic thing to do by forcing me to be responsible for the abandoned child, i'd still be disgusted with the vagina that the bastard will come out from. so yeah, scratch that - don't want her to die, i want her to live, a long life at that, one where she'll be haunted by her screw ups that perpetuates her perception of herself as a woman unworthy of love. if satan were to bless me with children in the future - and hopefully not with a hoe that will betray me - i'm pretty sure i'll be ready. hell, i'm ready now and i thought i was going to have a kid of my own in a family i will love. it's just a matter of having the pieces

no matter how hard, i have to purge all of this negativity within me so i can move forward unencumbered by a terrible past. there isn't anything redeeming in the past couple of years. i didn't gain anything of meaning nor value that i could bring with me into the future. we could rationalize and claim that i gained wisdom to become a better lover the next time around, but what i know now isn't any better than what i already knew from my first girlfriend. objectively, my first experience of an actual relationship overwhelmingly outdid my recent rendezvous. now we're not about to reconnect with an old flame - there's a reason why we break up with people and not with circumstances. i'm a guy who knows my worth, and being sold on my own bullshit, i knew i was getting an unfairly short end of the stick with my former partner. but being in my late 20s - looking to settle down, looking to live for something bigger than myself, and in some ways, performing the pre

it would have been royally shameful to be seen in wedding pictures with her. bridal dresses are supposed to be white to denote purity and it would be a farce for us to be in such a ceremony because she is the farthest thing from pure. it would have brought an intense amount of humiliation for me to be seen by the men she had fucked around with to be locked in a relationship with such a trashy lady. they would think that they scored one on me because they managed to squeezed their dicks in while i was away. but thankfully, i'll be the guy, and the numerous other people that know her misdeeds, who will be laughing at the idiot who decides to spend an entire life with that whore of a woman. not only will the pictures with her bastard be the only thing shameful about her life moving forward, but also any other memories involving her and the fool that thinks they're both in love. it was a good call for us to never be public. i would hate to be the poster boy for the other guys