mea culpa

maybe i didn't appreciate her enough, maybe i didn't made her feel loved, maybe in a lot of ways i was lacking as a lover.

i really am quite hard to please. i've set extremely high standards that anyone would be lucky if i expressed appreciation to them on a weekly basis. i'm also the last person to lie - even white lies just to make people feel good about themselves. even if it works to my favor to butter up people undeservedly so, i'd rather lose with my principles intact than to add to the ever growing disingenuousness of modern society. that, i believe, is an environment not conducive for a relationship, especially when one that has a deep and insatiable hunger for approval. perhaps it's my fault that she decided to find those positive feelings elsewhere, especially given her physical qualities that make her prime target for being showered with appreciation.

it is perhaps likewise my fault for not showing her financial stability so i can prove to her that i can be a decent provider for her, so she can, in turn, help out her family that's still dependent to her. she definitely was under pressure to provide, she needed the money, and i wasn't helpful in easing that pressure. such a stressful situation also created an environment where she needed to reward herself with nice things - the shoes that she want, the bags she feel she deserve, all the material gain that could have offset her financial struggles.

i was perhaps too lenient, i always afforded her too much freedom to the point of almost being absent. it could have helped if she was guided accordingly - of course, she needs it, deep inside she's just a little girl. while i've done my fair share of reminding her of doing the right thing and staying principled, sometimes the opportunity to bend or break the rules for one's personal gain presents itself, and she was never one to say no to those things. had i known doing wrong was her thing and she didn't project this persona of being decent and morally upright, i could have shared my expertise - my first ex and i were a modern day bonnie and clyde.


we have to put culpability into perspective. who's fault is it anyway? because if i were to be blamed for giving my ex a reason to cheat, then it's scantily clad women's fault for being raped.

and it's likewise her fault for giving me a reason to royally fuck over my ex's life.