circularity of the whole

i had wanted her to patch her relationship up with her estranged father because i knew she had classic daddy issues and that's what i had believed to be the way to make her whole again.

true enough, she decided to have a relationship with an older authority figure at the expense of her relationship with me and what could have been a complete family for her kid. i can see moving forward that she'll realize that it's her compulsion to be attracted to older men, but she won't realize it's because she's filling a void of the approval she never got from her father. she will crave approval wherever she could get it, regardless of how repulsive the person or the circumstance may be.


and that is utterly devastating.

i have a shitload of pity for her given her situation. even until now, realizing how tough she has it in life, my heart breaks for her. but if there's anything i learned from every girl or woman in my life with daddy issues, it's never a good idea to be in a relationship with them. it's going to be tumultuously toxic and constantly chaotic, and it being my goal to help them fix themselves, an emotional investment where my personal needs are dependent on them is the worst handicap you can get.

i should've kept a safe distance where i wouldn't be romantically involved if my goal truly was to help her deal with her daddy issues. i'm the farthest thing from a father figure. at most, i'm merely a shoulder to cry on during tough times, indeed that's how we started out. but i was truly out of my element in the relationship because i can only be a nurturing figure for so long. if i'm going to be honest, what i desire for in a relationship is a partner in crime, an intellectual equal, a yang to my deeply dark yin - all of those were not her.

don't get me wrong, it wasn't her fault that she wasn't a good fit for me.

it's always a conscious decision to choose which persons we'll allow to stay in our lives. if anything, it's my fault that i let someone that carried a generous share of red flags be intimately involved with me. in hindsight, it was a no brainer that everything that had happened to me - the neglect, the abuse, the infidelity - were really bound to happen.

i knew full well that she was an unpinned grenade, i knew full well that i was being idotically heroic for jumping on it, and now i know full well that with the break up blowing me into bits, i need to pick up my pieces to return to a state of being whole again.

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