emotional boomerang

when i think about it, the relationship really was doomed to fail.

on a fundamental level, we never really were a team. i would go as far as to say that she wasn't a good teammate. i never really felt that she and i were working together towards accomplishing a common goal. a lot of times, it felt like i was doing my thing, and she was doing hers, we have dinner, and then that's it for the day. so i do get why her excitement for the relationship will wane off, and given her poor personal values, it's understandable that she cheated on me.

we were always kept from each other's worlds - or at least that's what i think. credit to her, she put in more effort to reveal to others our relationship. whereas the only time i had to tell others she and i have a thing is when i thought i got her pregnant. after the whole breaking into the her apartment brouhaha, i felt that the relationship was merely on life support. she can't bring a criminal to her family, and i can't bring a detractor to mine. but i was at least still happy when i was with her back then, i can't speak for her though, maybe all she needed was the free ride home and free dinners - who knows what goes on in the mind of a manipulative user.

ultimately, i guess what spelled the end of it is that i wasn't truly proud to be her partner. i'm aware of how she has badmouthed me to her social circle, i can see her passive aggressive posts on social media on how lacking i am as a lover, and really, apart from a pretty face, there's nothing truly amazing about her that makes me want to show her off to the world.

my love for her was mostly out of pity and it has always nagged me that i could get a better relationship elsewhere. but replacing or juggling multiple partners was never my thing, when i love, i love loyally. it's only right that the relationship ended because we weren't right for each other and she didn't want to work it out any further - and especially given her betrayal, i have better chances of dating a nun than to reconcile with her for the sake of the kid.

when i think about it, i never truly lost her - because she was never mine in the first place.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...
Read more

meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more