at a loss for any explanation

it takes one good dream to remind me of the positive feelings i had in the relationship.

if there's one word i would use to describe the relationship it's "inexplicable" - it was inexplicably good, it was inexplicably bad, it was in was in every which way possible inexplicable.

in the several times i've written and rationalized how bad the relationship was, i was merely scratching the surface. there was always that inexplicable excitement in the thought of spending time with her, no matter how lackluster, no matter how much it pales in comparison with the fun i have with other people - time spent with her was inexplicably meaningful.

and there are a million other ways that maintaining the relationship with her made me feel so alive. i had very little doubts with her, i trusted her fully, committed to give my entire being to her, left very little for myself. foolish, terribly so, i know. but i was inexplicably deeply in love with her.

it was perhaps too selfish of me to only consider the love from my end. maybe she didn't wanted to be loved by me. she probably needed a different brand of love - one that got through her defenses, one that spoke to her soul, one that she truly needed. given the free dinners, the free ride home, and any other perk of having a boyfriend, she didn't had it in her to let go. she too was, in her own way, selfish.

in an alternate universe where her mistakes were benign and didn't involve breaking my non-negotiables, i would still be accompanying her to the regularly scheduled doctor visits, i would still be helping her out deal with pregnancy - love would have prevailed.

but that's not how the story went, she decided to get her needs from another man, and i decided to not get stepped and shat on anymore.

good thing no vows were said.

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