karmic rebalancing
i lost more than i gained in my recent relationship.
credit where it's due, she tried. but not where it mattered the most. having opened up my social life again to other people, it's becoming more and more glaring how much mercy and compassion i had afforded her. yeah sure, there will be times i can't take it anymore and i'll lash out - but if i were as short tempered as she was on a regular basis, i'd be jailed by now.
having regained my freedom, i love being able to spend time with people who can take a joke. my humor has always been dark, dry, and scathing. my ex doesn't have the capacity to laugh at herself, which is to be expected given her deep seated insecurities - any form of attack on her, even if it's my way to bring to light painful truths and make them acceptable, she will be defensive and either deny it or get back at you by being ill-mannered. i will hurt people with the jokes that i try to pull off, but in the same manner as priests use sermons to reveal societal ills with the hopes of correcting them through religion, i use humor to soften the edges of truths that are hard to swallow so they could go down much easier.
i love being able to have actual conversations again. i was never one to share memes. i appreciate their value in maintaining superficial relationships, but being in a romantic relationship built on sharing videos and pictures of dogs often leaves me feeling lacking. i get that memes are like micro gifts that makes someone feel positive emotions through something that you pass along, but my social media use isn't designed to get memes. if you scroll through my facebook news feed, you'll mostly get articles on current events, science, culture, and psychology. meme culture has made it highly unlikely for people to read past the headlines, and i don't have it in me to dumb down my internet use and stick to memes. if i wanted to connect with people, i'll actually have a conversation with them about their opinions, experiences, and aspirations.
what i don't love is having a pitiful regard for my recent ex. having gone through two relationships, i'm able to compare them both. and flat out, i will say that my first ex blows my recent ex out of the water. the only thing my recent ex wins at is her height, weight, and academic accomplishments. and that's all there is to her, really. but i really saw her try to connect, impress, and generally do nice things for me. unfortunately, they were amateurish in comparison to my first ex who was doing grander and better things at a younger age. we can make the argument that access to financial resources were a factor, but it really isn't, the bottomline is that my first ex just did a much better job of getting to know me and what i actually look for in relationships, and in turn we were just the better team - and that's how a relationship ought to be. i would go as far as to say that i was extremely lucky with her, and my recent ex is simply my bad karma for unfairly leaving my first.
but at the end of the day, even if i felt burned by the recent relationship i had, the shit she dug herself in is an entirely different strand of karma that stemmed from her own misdeeds. my penance was the relationship itself, and now that i'm done with mine, it's her turn to deal with the way it ended and how it will scar her for life.
credit where it's due, she tried. but not where it mattered the most. having opened up my social life again to other people, it's becoming more and more glaring how much mercy and compassion i had afforded her. yeah sure, there will be times i can't take it anymore and i'll lash out - but if i were as short tempered as she was on a regular basis, i'd be jailed by now.
having regained my freedom, i love being able to spend time with people who can take a joke. my humor has always been dark, dry, and scathing. my ex doesn't have the capacity to laugh at herself, which is to be expected given her deep seated insecurities - any form of attack on her, even if it's my way to bring to light painful truths and make them acceptable, she will be defensive and either deny it or get back at you by being ill-mannered. i will hurt people with the jokes that i try to pull off, but in the same manner as priests use sermons to reveal societal ills with the hopes of correcting them through religion, i use humor to soften the edges of truths that are hard to swallow so they could go down much easier.
i love being able to have actual conversations again. i was never one to share memes. i appreciate their value in maintaining superficial relationships, but being in a romantic relationship built on sharing videos and pictures of dogs often leaves me feeling lacking. i get that memes are like micro gifts that makes someone feel positive emotions through something that you pass along, but my social media use isn't designed to get memes. if you scroll through my facebook news feed, you'll mostly get articles on current events, science, culture, and psychology. meme culture has made it highly unlikely for people to read past the headlines, and i don't have it in me to dumb down my internet use and stick to memes. if i wanted to connect with people, i'll actually have a conversation with them about their opinions, experiences, and aspirations.
what i don't love is having a pitiful regard for my recent ex. having gone through two relationships, i'm able to compare them both. and flat out, i will say that my first ex blows my recent ex out of the water. the only thing my recent ex wins at is her height, weight, and academic accomplishments. and that's all there is to her, really. but i really saw her try to connect, impress, and generally do nice things for me. unfortunately, they were amateurish in comparison to my first ex who was doing grander and better things at a younger age. we can make the argument that access to financial resources were a factor, but it really isn't, the bottomline is that my first ex just did a much better job of getting to know me and what i actually look for in relationships, and in turn we were just the better team - and that's how a relationship ought to be. i would go as far as to say that i was extremely lucky with her, and my recent ex is simply my bad karma for unfairly leaving my first.
but at the end of the day, even if i felt burned by the recent relationship i had, the shit she dug herself in is an entirely different strand of karma that stemmed from her own misdeeds. my penance was the relationship itself, and now that i'm done with mine, it's her turn to deal with the way it ended and how it will scar her for life.
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