mental renovation

my mental health took for a turn for the worse the past couple of years.

i never thought it was ever a thing, but apparently anxiety attacks are real - when you're overwhelmed with negative emotions but you have no form of release so you tense up, your hands uncontrollably shake and turn cold, and violent thoughts overcome you to the point where it'll only take a minor nudge to push you into committing a crime. and indeed i've committed at least one, and was borderline about to do several in the span of a year or so.

looking back, i wasn't really in a good environment. my anger was always triggered, my depression was never addressed, and my healing never came. the easiest solution is burying the pain, being stronger, and moving ahead. sensible, yes, but i've been dealing with enough nutjobs and damaged people to know that simply burying it is a surefire way to cultivate its growth.

now that i can entirely focus on myself and being unencumbered by any personal demons, with the help of a growing support system, life can only get better. this next chapter of my life will be a period of healing.

i'm fucked up in more ways than one, and there is a shitload of work to be done.

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