eat me henger

some days it's terribly unbearable. i've very little will to live right now. every single action is laborious. having to stand up feels like trying to get up from the rubble of a collapsed building. having to walk feels like a trail of burning charcoal lay ahead of me. having to speak feels like forcing myself to vomit the ingested pills as an out from my lame attempt for never waking up ever. even merely letting time pass is taxing. i wish i had a real choice. it's much harder in my head. i look at my inbox full of unread messages from people that either care or who are warm enough to reach out, and i can't bring myself to open them because it means having to be congenial and engaging. that takes brain power. i'm already exhausted enough as it is. not that i don't want these people in my life. i appreciate them a hell of a whole lot, i just don't want to give them anything less than worthwhile. and really i can't help it, i'm a people pleaser. i wa...

it doesn't paint a good image if i died today and these were my last few entries. death doesn't sound like a good idea. you're deprived of another day to be with loved ones, to enjoy your creature comforts, or to contribute through whatever vocation you're pursuing. being dead means you can't make new moments, and all you will be are a collective of memories. i think death is beautiful. it puts your life in perspective. you're empowered to take action and make the most of your remaining time. think about it. we're more likely to twiddle our thumbs and scroll through our social media feed when we know we have a surplus of time on our hands. think about it. if you weren't afforded the luxury to get everything you want, you will prioritize certain things over others. think about it. if you knew something was scarce, you will assign a higher worth to it. don't get it wrong though. death doesn't automatically imbue meaning to life. it merely defines t...

i never give myself enough credit. if at all. i will, however, give other people and external factors the due recognition they deserve. nothing but love for others, and nothing but hate for myself. when good things happen to me, it's not because of my own doing. i'm merely going through the motions of life being largely ineffectual. sometimes i do my best but things turn out bad, sometimes i don't put any effort at all but things turn out well. life hasn't been quite predictable for me. so instead of analyzing the correlation between the effort i put in and my success, i've grown to instead consider every factor other than me. it does make sense. my excellent grasp of english? forced by autistic friends that can't speak our native language. skill in the kitchen? lazy househelp that couldn't be bothered to feed my fat ass at any other time than breakfast, lunch, or dinner. swift sprinting speed? grew up in the suburbs full of stray dogs. achievements at work?...

i'm slipping back into another depressive phase. the more i write about it, the more i'm hating the hell out of it. depression is this trendy thing that people keep saying to describe a scarier version of sadness. i disagree that's an accurate assessment. depression is more than just sadness. it's losing motivation for the mundane, it's having difficulty with basic functions such as a language and movement, it's being bombarded with negativity despite your best efforts to stay positive. you can't fix it with a simple switch. it's a rotating dial of your mental faculties that you have to gradually turn to get back to normalcy. although technically, the only legitimate way of claiming depression is when you've ticked enough items in a psychiatrist's checklist. but sometimes you don't need a medical degree to see someone's an amputee. i hate that it's such a disability. adult life isn't the most welcoming places for those sick in the...

there's no phase in my life that i didn't want to die. it's quite unfair that i disproportionately feel negative emotions more. my chest feels like its being clawed out by all the negativity form the inside. it affects my normal functions. i can't think straight. my mind is scattered. to accomplish something, i have to block everything else out. i'm forcing my laughter more than i should be doing. it really is easier to pretend you're feeling a certain way instead of having to explain yourself to people that will never understand. i guess that's why i just preemptively block off people because the disappointment in not being understood is more crushing than keeping hope that maybe they'll understand me. there's hope but i don't believe there's ever a possibility. i hate being real to people. i really do. it never turns out well. they're never going to see it the way i see it and say it the way remotely close to what's actually going o...

i don't like remembering the person i used to be. that's why it's convenient to be forgetful. my self-loathing is well substantiated. it's haunting to look back at everything i've been done and gone through. it can be laughably pathetic. but living the consequences of my idiocy is brutal. if suicide was an easy choice, it would've been an absolute no brainer. i'm one of the people that ought to not have the right to survive infancy because of the myriad stupid decisions i've made at every stage of my life. i wish i had a hundred percent hold of myself, but it isn't as simple as that. early in my youth, i end my days regretful. i keep finding myself in irresponsible blunders that could've been avoided had i been more mindful. there's a lot of confounding factors. i'm to blame, the people around me are to blame, the environment i'm in is to blame. it's easy to say that at some point i have to start making good decisions, at some poi...

i haven't been in a good headspace lately, primarily because i've lost sight of my best approach and it's something as simple as staying grateful. sometimes ambition gets in the way of happiness. in my desire to accomplish something, i forget to stop by and smell the roses. it's not a race to win first place, neither is it a marathon to be the last man standing. in fact, there's no competition at all. there's no one tallying who's scoring over whom or what penalties ought to be meted. it's simply about benefitting from a symbiotic adventure. i know i'm in my element when my competitive nature shines, but not everything has to be about drawing the line between winners or losers. sometimes it's about showing up. it's such a disservice when i'm far into my head whether i'm doing good, or whether i'm being better than the bar i set, or whether i'm delivering the best i could. i've been such a useful tool for far too long that ...

it eats me up that affection is alien to me. a simple hug is much harder to pull off than throwing my body into dangerous situations. that's why i probably have more instances of injuries than the number of people hugged in my lifetime. for the most part, it's manageable. i've always been socially distanced even before any once-in-a-century pandemic struck. so it's perfectly fine to live the way i've always had. except when it's demanded to not be distant. there aren't a lot of things that i'm jealous of with normal people. in fact, i take pride in being the farthest thing from normal. but that excludes me from certain essential elements of existence - like meaningful companionship. yeah sure, i've had a couple of partners i've been comfortably close with. but the hardest thing for me wasn't winning their hearts, but instead it was knowing where to put my hands when opening up for an embrace. i legitimately lose hope for my prospects as a rom...

dealbreakers are a good thing. they're the line that separates the safe from the suspicious to sever ties with the severe. on a basic level, boundaries must be drawn. limitations don't exactly evoke imagery of liberty, but that's what it exactly allows. it's the space from our center to our outer limits that determine the freedoms we enjoy. we forget that when we focus solely on things that prevent us from doing what we want. there's value in pushing boundaries. but that entails compromise. of course, depending on your willingness for work and sensitivity for suffering, you can deliberate on whether your determination of what is a dealbreaker is worth keeping. expansion has both costs and benefits. there's value in putting your foot down. but that entails commitment. it takes an extended exertion of energy in having the guts to say when enough is enough, mean it, and follow through with it. depending on how deep one thing has gotten into you, the harder it is to...

what do i really want out of this? certainly a lifelong endeavor that brings both meaning and security. certainly the validation that i'm worth more than what i believe i am and that i'm not a lost cause. certainly the sublime sense of oneness with something bigger than me. measures of success ought to be specific and measurable. i'm setting myself up for a wild goose chase. i've fallen into such trap many times before, either unwillingly or by my own doing, and the unfortunate reality is that i'm drawn to it more than what's reasonable. i've seen it far too often. i say i want what's good for me, but i keep shooting myself in the foot at every step of the way. i have to get my act together. because what can i really get out of this? certainly a stable future to invest in. certainly a feeling of belongingness where i can comfortably unfurl my latent complexities. certainly an enduring happiness that gives me a reason to wake up the next day. i don't ...

what the hell have i gotten myself into. this was more than what i bargained for. the expectation was to make the most of present until the sands of time run out. not being dealt with a massive hourglass to potentially keep flipping to infinity. it's a pleasant surprise. this was never in any of my computations. not that i was any good at math at all. so it figures. but neither can we determine with certainty the outcomes of permutations which we're unaware of the variables. it shouldn't have added up to this. but this where we are right now. it's both a challenge and a reprieve. the lingering question of whether i'll ever be enough has been satisfied for the time being. coming from the most devastating vote of no confidence, the future appeared bleak. now my perceived worth as a worthwhile investment isn't absolute and may not necessarily stand the test of time. that's why i have to put in the hours to prove my worth. that's why i have to step up to kee...

there are brief moments of hope. it's never really gone. it just comes and goes like the flashes of a lighthouse. when it's out, i'm lost. but when it's there, i'm secure. we're merely vessels on a vast ocean. we wade through the waves, we waft through the winds. it's not up to us whatever the elements throw our way. at most, we can drop an anchor to somehow keep us stable, we can adjust our sails to get blown into a certain direction, we can force our paddles to fight against currents. there are different ways to handle it. some will grip it tightly believing it's all in their hands to make the world bend to their will, some will send out signals to salvage their souls realizing their helplessness and looking to the sky to save them. i happen to believe i'm at the behest of fate. now i'm not of the persuasion that life is pre-determined. i'm convinced that the idea of destiny is a human creation. i don't believe that there's this hig...

i've repressed so much of my negative thoughts that even if i had been writing so much to flesh out my struggles, i keep uncovering things from this seemingly bottomless pit of everything wrong about me. the nice thing about writing is that a pen and paper or a keyboard and screen will always be there. i can't seem to ever say the same for people in my life. i've been alienated so many times that i might as well been born on mars. i don't put the blame on everyone else. at least i hope to not put the blame on them. i've been hurt so many times and never had the opportunity to recover in a healthy manner that i've turned out to be such a toxic individual. to anyone who steps in my life, i will always be counting down the days until they leave me. so why let them have the power of hurting me? i can always be an asshole. i can always be the bad guy. i can always let them have the chance to say something disparaging about me. the pain of being left without being pre...

you just don't get to choose. you can have preferences, yes. you have enough freedoms to say either yes or no. but that's it. people come in packages. you get to see the packaging. if you're lucky, you get to open it and rummage through its contents. if you're committed, you can get as deep as you could. you're not always gonna like what you get a hold of. and if you get enough things you actually don't like, then you can always step away. you can't take one thing you really really like and shove it in another box. that's not how it works. because again, you don't get to choose. life is one huge opportunity to open up as much boxes as you could. there's always something interesting to find. but that also means there's always something dangerous to stumble upon. just because it's in someone else who share the same species as you doesn't mean it's always going to be within your defined bounds of what's acceptable. there's al...

i look outside my window and just watch a heavy downpour where you're almost unable to see anything past a couple of hundred of meters off in the distance. now's a good time to cuddle for some people. but i never really shared their appreciation for the rain. i do get it though. the gloominess of it all is conducive for getting cozy. now's a good time for a warm beverage or a hearty bowl of soup. now's a good time to pull out a blanket and drape it all over yourself. now's a good time to stay put and enjoy the creature comforts you have around you. granted they're all nice and i'd in fact welcome those things at this time. but my general experience with rain rarely nice. rainy season always meant i was stuck somewhere. stuck inside the house so i can't go out and play with friends. stuck inside the train station cause i don't like any part of my body getting wet from having to run towards a vehicle going home. stuck in the middle of a flood cause car...

i can't believe how it's such an alien concept for me to say something good about myself. primarily because i'm a self-loathing piece of shit and i'd rather that the locus of my personal validation are exogenous. but how can i expect to be loved if i can't even love myself. simple really. from other people that likewise don't love themselves. but that's just freaking unhealthy. so here's a change in pace. hey you piece of shit, you don't really suck. it just so happens that there isn't anything concrete that proves the value you ought to see in yourself. cause there isn't a shortage of people that see your worth. there'll always be that disconnect because you decided to adjust your belief to think that you never seemed to fit into anyone's definition of success. but they had a reason to believe you have what it takes. you never lost it. it was always there. you never stopped your lofty dreams. you never stopped passionately pursuing t...