not coming to terms with my shadow

i don't like remembering the person i used to be. that's why it's convenient to be forgetful.

my self-loathing is well substantiated. it's haunting to look back at everything i've been done and gone through. it can be laughably pathetic. but living the consequences of my idiocy is brutal. if suicide was an easy choice, it would've been an absolute no brainer. i'm one of the people that ought to not have the right to survive infancy because of the myriad stupid decisions i've made at every stage of my life. i wish i had a hundred percent hold of myself, but it isn't as simple as that.

early in my youth, i end my days regretful. i keep finding myself in irresponsible blunders that could've been avoided had i been more mindful. there's a lot of confounding factors. i'm to blame, the people around me are to blame, the environment i'm in is to blame. it's easy to say that at some point i have to start making good decisions, at some point personal agency has to come in. but you can't just suddenly have a good idea and follow through with it like a strictly logical machine. i'm a shabby bicycle wiggling through life that never had a good set of training wheels.

of course, i've been trying to correct them. no better time to start than today. i'm supremely happy about being the person i am now. but if it were only an option to go back in time and shoot my younger self without affecting my present, i'd be hunting myself every single time i feel bad about myself instead of writing here.

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