cloud strafe

i never give myself enough credit. if at all. i will, however, give other people and external factors the due recognition they deserve. nothing but love for others, and nothing but hate for myself.

when good things happen to me, it's not because of my own doing. i'm merely going through the motions of life being largely ineffectual. sometimes i do my best but things turn out bad, sometimes i don't put any effort at all but things turn out well. life hasn't been quite predictable for me. so instead of analyzing the correlation between the effort i put in and my success, i've grown to instead consider every factor other than me.

it does make sense. my excellent grasp of english? forced by autistic friends that can't speak our native language. skill in the kitchen? lazy househelp that couldn't be bothered to feed my fat ass at any other time than breakfast, lunch, or dinner. swift sprinting speed? grew up in the suburbs full of stray dogs. achievements at work? supervisor that was too trusting with opportunities i may not be entitled to yet.

i never saw myself as deserving of all that i have now. i simply were adapting to the situations i've been thrown in. some i couldn't handle the demands and i caved in, some i managed to fake until i made it. i wasn't given any sort of birthright to be gifted at things i happened to be good at right now. though i do subscribe to the idea that we are naturally better at some things than others. because i know where i'm gifted, it was apparent early on in my childhood from the stories of my mother. however, none of the things that i was naturally good at propelled me to the accomplishments i enjoy now. never been in a dance troupe, never been in a quiz bee on geography, never been a fiction writer for a publication, never been a voice over actor.

so sometimes i'm destined to be the best but i never get to excel, sometimes i'm grossly underqualified but i happen to stumble my way into success.

fortunately, my luck has been a silver bullet to give me reasons to be satisfied with my seemingly sorry state of affairs. unfortunately, however, needing the confluence of other contributory components doesn't shine a silver lining in my horizons.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more