close encounters of the third kind

it eats me up that affection is alien to me.

a simple hug is much harder to pull off than throwing my body into dangerous situations. that's why i probably have more instances of injuries than the number of people hugged in my lifetime. for the most part, it's manageable. i've always been socially distanced even before any once-in-a-century pandemic struck. so it's perfectly fine to live the way i've always had. except when it's demanded to not be distant.

there aren't a lot of things that i'm jealous of with normal people. in fact, i take pride in being the farthest thing from normal. but that excludes me from certain essential elements of existence - like meaningful companionship. yeah sure, i've had a couple of partners i've been comfortably close with. but the hardest thing for me wasn't winning their hearts, but instead it was knowing where to put my hands when opening up for an embrace.

i legitimately lose hope for my prospects as a romantic partner. cause a couple that doesn't kiss nor hug are functionally friends. being emotionally close with someone is no problem with me, cause it's easy to have the illusion of mutual closeness when it's a mostly one-sided affair. most people are selfish and all they want is to hear their own voice. but you can't fake physical closeness. you can't just stay passive and then suddenly you're physically close, unless you're with someone touchy, then that ought to work, but even then if it were me, there will be some sort of resistance cause i'm simply not wired to seek skin-to-skin contact.

so if i can just get by without having to do anything with my body other than to sit and stand, then i'm confident i can make it to a higher level.