second natures

i haven't been in a good headspace lately, primarily because i've lost sight of my best approach and it's something as simple as staying grateful.

sometimes ambition gets in the way of happiness. in my desire to accomplish something, i forget to stop by and smell the roses. it's not a race to win first place, neither is it a marathon to be the last man standing. in fact, there's no competition at all. there's no one tallying who's scoring over whom or what penalties ought to be meted. it's simply about benefitting from a symbiotic adventure. i know i'm in my element when my competitive nature shines, but not everything has to be about drawing the line between winners or losers.

sometimes it's about showing up. it's such a disservice when i'm far into my head whether i'm doing good, or whether i'm being better than the bar i set, or whether i'm delivering the best i could. i've been such a useful tool for far too long that it has been my template for everything i do. i forget to let myself be real. it's not a crime. although vulnerability can be scary, but you have to lower your barriers to experience genuine feelings. it's dumbfounding that in my attempt to consider other people's needs, i go overboard and become selfish by depriving myself of a chance to enjoy the moment i'm sharing with someone else. cause in my mind, i'm always thinking about what's next, without giving myself a second to appreciate the present.

most of the time, these long held beliefs work to my favor. they're hard to let go. but they also make it hard for me to be happy. however, they're easy to temper. it's merely a matter of having the correct perspective. i have to remember that while it may be nice to have the ideal outcome, no matter how much effort i put in, it's never assured. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. because just as bliss can be brief, likewise misery can be momentary. both can happen, but you can only feel one at any given time.

and my choice is happiness.

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