fifty shades of gray

i'm slipping back into another depressive phase. the more i write about it, the more i'm hating the hell out of it.

depression is this trendy thing that people keep saying to describe a scarier version of sadness. i disagree that's an accurate assessment. depression is more than just sadness. it's losing motivation for the mundane, it's having difficulty with basic functions such as a language and movement, it's being bombarded with negativity despite your best efforts to stay positive. you can't fix it with a simple switch. it's a rotating dial of your mental faculties that you have to gradually turn to get back to normalcy.

although technically, the only legitimate way of claiming depression is when you've ticked enough items in a psychiatrist's checklist. but sometimes you don't need a medical degree to see someone's an amputee.

i hate that it's such a disability. adult life isn't the most welcoming places for those sick in the head like me. i've seen people try to manage it by distracting themselves with romantic pursuits left and right. intimacy and feeling accepted is quite the drug. but that's also quite the time bomb, because as soon as any level of comfort is achieved between the couple, the depressed person will reveal their inherent damage for the other person to deal with. if it was openly discussed beforehand and both decided to continue, then well and good. but if none of the terms and conditions stated that they have a clusterfuck of low spirits to deal with, then that's just wildly ill-advised. until such time that they find a willing victim, it'll be a revolving door of negative reinforcement for the depressed person. even then if they succeed to secure a partner that will be ridiculously patient about their condition, it's going to be miserable for both people because the depression is never addressed but instead will be tolerated, and the romantic nurse will live a life of constant and unrewarding servitude. that's not how mutually beneficial relationships work.

i've seen people succumb to substance abuse to try and manage. it's a terrible idea. but a convenient one at that. i get the appeal. buy alcohol wholesale or score some contraband, sit in one silent corner of your room, and just let alchemy do its thing. it does the job. i've been down that path. it's not a particularly good long term strategy though. but anyone who's decided to take that route don't have a lot to live for anyway. it just makes the trudge through death more bearable. and perhaps shorter.

there are healthy ways to do it, of course. i for one happen to subscribe to the approach of lifestyle changes. just get enough sunlight, get enough physical activity, get in touch with a couple of your social links, eat enough of the good stuff, the works. it is the hardest thing to do though. it's hard enough for normal people to maintain a healthy habit, more so for depressed people. cause a depressive phase kicks out any motivation to do even the simplest things. without a drill sergeant to push me to make the right decisions, i'm largely left to my own devices. i try to trap myself in systems i've come up with that force me to be positive, like a noose that instead of suffocating me to death, it instead nudges me to live. i get by every now and then. there will be brief bouts of seeming sanity, but a rope wrapped around the neck has higher success rates.