filing cabinets

what do i really want out of this?

certainly a lifelong endeavor that brings both meaning and security. certainly the validation that i'm worth more than what i believe i am and that i'm not a lost cause. certainly the sublime sense of oneness with something bigger than me.

measures of success ought to be specific and measurable. i'm setting myself up for a wild goose chase. i've fallen into such trap many times before, either unwillingly or by my own doing, and the unfortunate reality is that i'm drawn to it more than what's reasonable. i've seen it far too often. i say i want what's good for me, but i keep shooting myself in the foot at every step of the way. i have to get my act together.

because what can i really get out of this?

certainly a stable future to invest in. certainly a feeling of belongingness where i can comfortably unfurl my latent complexities. certainly an enduring happiness that gives me a reason to wake up the next day.

i don't expect it to come easy. neither would it be good for me to accomplish anything without having proved that i'm worth my salt. a structure's strength of materials is tested by the amount of weight it can carry without crumbling. i've had a handful of shabby scaffoldings that entirely fell on me. and it's an experience i don't want to go through again. but having gone through that, i'm better equipped to build back better.

because what am i really gonna put into this?

certainly time. certainly effort. certainly commitment.

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