schrodinger's dysphoria

there's no phase in my life that i didn't want to die.

it's quite unfair that i disproportionately feel negative emotions more. my chest feels like its being clawed out by all the negativity form the inside. it affects my normal functions. i can't think straight. my mind is scattered. to accomplish something, i have to block everything else out. i'm forcing my laughter more than i should be doing. it really is easier to pretend you're feeling a certain way instead of having to explain yourself to people that will never understand. i guess that's why i just preemptively block off people because the disappointment in not being understood is more crushing than keeping hope that maybe they'll understand me.

there's hope but i don't believe there's ever a possibility.

i hate being real to people. i really do. it never turns out well. they're never going to see it the way i see it and say it the way remotely close to what's actually going on. and i'll have to settle with a glaring disconnect and pretend that i get it. so it's in my best interest to keep the illusion that i'm more well adjusted than i actually am. nobody needs to know how much of a mess it is in my head. the manifestation of how damaged i am will speak for itself. i'd rather that happen than to bare myself cause it's better to be scorned for screwing up rather than to be ostracized for being an outcast.

the utter loneliness eats me up. i've resigned to never going to feel completely okay. shutting up and pretending to be fine is the membership cost of normal life. and that's an approximation to being okay. it gets me by. it's not like there's anything that actually makes it better other than all distractions available to modern life.

i really wanna bang my head into a hard surface. i used to do that a lot when i was little because the pain makes me feel so alive. i don't want to do that anymore because i can't afford any more cranial trauma lest i want to fuck up the remaining hope i have for myself. but i really want something to happen that will release me from all the pain i'm going through. it's unfair. i have to deal with something as invisible and arguably non-existent like my personal demons.

fuck it. i could easily block it off with enough programming.

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