i know i have to go away

i've repressed so much of my negative thoughts that even if i had been writing so much to flesh out my struggles, i keep uncovering things from this seemingly bottomless pit of everything wrong about me.

the nice thing about writing is that a pen and paper or a keyboard and screen will always be there. i can't seem to ever say the same for people in my life. i've been alienated so many times that i might as well been born on mars. i don't put the blame on everyone else. at least i hope to not put the blame on them. i've been hurt so many times and never had the opportunity to recover in a healthy manner that i've turned out to be such a toxic individual. to anyone who steps in my life, i will always be counting down the days until they leave me. so why let them have the power of hurting me? i can always be an asshole. i can always be the bad guy. i can always let them have the chance to say something disparaging about me. the pain of being left without being prepared is pretty damn crushing. so the lesser evil of taking it upon myself to orchestrate the separation. the impact may be incalculable but by my equation, self-destruction is a much better option.

the nice thing about writing is that i get to keep all the thoughts to myself while managing to give it structure that i can grasp. never opening up is one of the many layers of protection i put up. it comes with being regularly misunderstood. i've mostly given up on trying to explain who i am. how can anyone care for someone they don't even understand? i still try though, but only enough to maintain relationships at a very basic level. keeping it simple is good. i'm such a mess that unfurling everything wrong about me is such a herculean task that i've decided against burdening temporary figures in my life. sometimes i would think i have it under control, but cutting off the head of one problem only results into additional heads sprouting in its place. it has always been the same old story.

the nice thing about writing is that when it's time, i would've left a legacy listing my loneliness. and maybe then, i will be understood.

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