eat me henger

there's no way out for her to prove that there's anything redeemable in her. her choices are: first, she proves that her dire financial need to provide for her family were the reasons why she whored her self out to a sugar daddy. that may sound that it absolves her of the culpability, but then again, she fraternized with a married man - where's the honor in that? second, she may claim that she is simply found the attention that she desperately needed so she gave in to the advances of her boss and became a sugar baby. that indeed paints me in a bad light for not being enough for her, but then again, it's still with a married man, and now she's the cheater - how low can you go? third, she desperately needs the money for the baby. but then again, which came first? her baby or her becoming a sugar baby? either way, she continued whoring her self out while having the baby, perhaps she's even more so compelled to sell herself because she didn't believe in th...

i never truly loved her. to her credit, there are positive things about her - things that made me like her in the first place, things about her that made me want to keep the relationship running for every speed bump, roadblock or sinkhole we encounter. objectively she does make for a decent girlfriend given those traits alone. unfortunately, human beings are package deals where the good will always come with the bad - and she had plenty to show. some were mere minor annoyances, easily forgivable. some where questionable character flaws that may be managed with the right willingness to work things out. and she was a smart girl - she knew how bad she truly is, so she either overcompensated by being generous with other things or projected onto others the dirt she truly had to protect herself. as time went on, i got to know her more, i got a bigger picture of who she truly was. however, the end of our relationship wasn't a case of the cons outweighing the pros. i adamantly beli...

i saw the sugar daddy today. and i felt vindicated. more and more, i'm realizing how little of a loss she actually was to me. her beauty was only skin deep, she wasn't positively interesting, and she didn't bring anything of value to the relationship. hence, what i truly lost was the time, energy and resources i poured in the failed relationship. granted, i had my fun and i learned my lessons, and i got someone that toxic out of my life - those i am grateful for, but also those things i want to move past from. i'm likewise grateful that the sugar daddy took her away from me because my life would have been much more miserable had i stayed with a woman without any integrity. i wouldn't trust her with my life, as with the case of legal liability of a spouse in marriage. i also wouldn't trust her with my children's lives, as with the case of an established filial relationship. and it is a universal truth that relationships are built on trust, and on a list o...

the only two times my blog is read - first if i post its link on facebook, and second if my favorite human being in the entire world decides to open it. so really, none of what i write and pour my heart into actually ever gets to any reader. this serves the intended purpose of having a personal journal, with the unintended effect of relative privacy. i hope someday this blog would serve as a supplementary reading material for those that wish to understand me - but in an age as selfish as we are in now, i highly doubt anyone would obsessively read each and every single entry unless they actually love me. and i've yet to meet anyone who is sincerely capable of that. however, the freedom that nobody reads what i write here is wonderful. my sincere, honest, and rawest thoughts are all here. i don't have to be funny like i try on facebook, i don't have to be artsy like i try on instagram, i don't have to relevant like i try on twitter. this blog is me. and it's thera...

what she did and who she is disgusts me. with that i've brought myself to the moral high ground which will invariably strengthen my inner resolve to not turn into a partner i wouldn't be proud of. admittedly, yes i've been tempted into cheating and using other people for personal gain during the couple of relationships i've had. but they are merely that - temporary temptations. those that don't have long term implications that spell a grossly disgusting case of infidelity. those that were mitigated with the right amount of wrist slapping from my partner, and my solid commitment of undying loyalty. and it's normal to find someone else more interesting than your current partner, of course the novelty dies down, of course there will be rough patches. that's where one's values will come in. unfortunately for me, her values were more concerned with the short term material gains in exchange for the long term damage her betrayal will do to the wholeness of ...

the best case scenario is that my ex totally disappears from my life. even without any way to prove that the bastard is mine, her silence will allow me to conclusively confirm that i never got her pregnant. because we have already established that she is a whore, who knows how many men she's bedded while claiming to love me. and i could chalk this experience up as a case of satan deciding to screw with me. the next best case scenario is that my ex reaches out to me and desperately tries to prove i'm the dad - to failure. this will entail a drain on my resources - time, money, energy. but it's going to be sweet to prove to her, and hopefully her family too, that she is indeed a whore. and i could chalk this experience up as a case of the universe rewarding me the retribution i deserve. the next best case scenario is that my ex suffers a miscarriage. that will foil my plot to ruin her life forever by burdening her with a bastard in such an unlovable state she truly ...

i finally understand the value of rebound relationships - they're an ego boost. it's particularly dangerous cause of your state of vulnerability. you could fall for someone who isn't right for you, so long as they provide the validation that your crushed self-esteem so desperately need. the rebound will be dealing with your deferred depression instead of having a healthy relationship that builds the both of you together. bottom line: the rebound is not treated as a person but merely a tool. when broken from the ending of a relationship, you need validation on the worth that you can't find in yourself because the person whom you held most dearly showed to you that you are unworthy of the love that made you feel like you're on top of the world. you need others to help you pick up the pieces of your life that you're left with. you simply need to be reminded that you are a beautiful human being. that's possible when you let the good in you shine and yo...