eat me henger

i felt a strong need to write in the middle of the night because i'm overcome with emotions - of sadness, of regret, of pity. no there won't be any creative expressions of my state right now. i reserve that for when i have to wield the pain into something manageable. now i just simply can't. and i'll be doing what i've held off for the longest time - and it's to purely feel the pain. i'm miserable. the heaviness i feel is something i solely carry. no amount of empathy, explanation, nor escapism from my friends and loved ones ever made it feel any lighter. i live a double life. both of which i wish could end. my heart is beyond broken, but it beats. it's filled with an utter vileness that makes me want to slice my chest open to pull it out just to get rid of the toxicity. nothing seems to work to fix the underlying hurt. i haven't tried everything humanly possible so it's my earnest hope that a solution is found. i don't like being sad. i want...

the more i learn and grow in my different pursuits, the more i realize i'm shit at what i do. yeah sure, in some ways i'm above average in mental and physical capacity, and i'm privileged enough than most people that i'm not burdened by any sort of poverty. i'm potentiality personified - that much i can be grateful for. but that's as far as i go, mere potential. i'm the gifted guy that didn't do anything with the tools and circumstances i was blessed with. i do understand that all i takes is hard work and grit, which i sorely lack. what i do have, however, is intensity - one that happen in short bursts and die just as fast. perhaps as a compensating mechanism i explode out of the gates and however far i get, that'll substitute for the grind that a different person would've done throughout a period of time. unfortunately, i do get bored easily. like i'm somehow wired to constantly seek out the next mountain to climb, the next sea to traverse...

in an attempt to be a man of my word, as i desperately try to do at every turn. i'm listening to a japanese song as i try to fall asleep. a song which sounds too much like an opening theme to some cutesy anime. the shit i put myself through to maintain human relationships. the whole point of this is to somehow influence sleep quality to see if i look any better in the morning. this is one of the many nights of the lockdown, so might as well give it a try. admittedly, i have really bad sleep quality. nightmares are a commonplace. imagery of decapitation, gore, and abusive authority figures are constants of my evenings. if not for the necessity of sleep, i wouldn't be doing it at all. except for the times i'm thrown to work-related trips and i'm checked in at some swanky hotel accommodation, then i'm gonna sleep like a fucking boss. but those are few and far between, as with the good times in life. it's difficult as fuck to focus on writing coherently a...

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...

i used to have this one really major crush on a girl i never got to speak with. but i got to know who she was, facebook was still starting out at the time and online stalking was a burgeoning skill. and as with anything that i seriously pursued, i poured a lot of myself into learning about her. she almost never ran out of things that amazed me and the idea of her in my head grew and grew until she was this unwieldy figure on a lofty pedestal - deservedly so, she really was indeed all that and more. but again, i never got to speak with her. cause she had always been this legendary enigma that i needed to be my equal before i even consider sharing the same social space with her. that's exactly what i did, threw myself into activities and situations that built me up. every single day, week, month and year i was becoming better and better. but as with everything else in our youth, it had a deadline. she had to go. i was too busy establishing my empire that i never got to use it f...

i can only wish to see myself the way other people perceive me. it was never a mystery, i've always held that i'm a piece of shit human being. it's easy to be my own worst critic. i have my entire life's catalogue of failings and trauma to draw my self-hatred from. i was always a disappointment, i was never truly enough, i overdo things, i was at the wrong place and wrong time being the wrong person. and it feels utterly bad. like i don't want to be myself anymore, like i wish someone else were living with the same privileges i've been having so they can make something better out of it than i've done, like every day of life is such an existential drudgery and it's astonishingly agonizing to trudge through this timeline. there wasn't a period of my life that i didn't saw the need for a bullet in my brain, or a noose on my neck, or a freefall from forty-four floors. but there are those that give me hope. those that look at me and...

the extension of the lockdown has hit me hard. i look at my backlogs of media to consume and then it hits me "fuck! sun's down already? where did the hours of my day went?" try as i might, planning my days in hourly chunks can only do so much when every now and then i'm stunned into a sober stupor staring into something of zero significance. that's where my days have been going - being an unproductive mess. look at me, chiding the idiots that aren't being particularly productive during the lockdown. i've become a much worse version of them. i've burned out at being a bum. it doesn't help that a lifelong struggle i've had is that every now and then i sink into a depressive phase that royally fucks up any mode or magnitude of motivation that i managed to maintain through moments of mania. mental health is real, and it's can be devastating. but i still hold that it's such a privileged affliction that i believe my condition should be ...

i take the business of being messed with very seriously. unjustly ruining the harmony really ruffles my feathers. and i've gotten my mitigating measures down to a science to make sure that those who cross the line will learn and those who might dare follow suit will be deterred. now i will, for the most part, be compassionate and patient with my constituencies. i believe in keeping peace above all. we're all flawed, we're weak at times - and i'm very understanding about it. unless the flaws and weakness are unjustly detrimental to me. now if it's rooted on iron clad rationality, then i'll be the first to apologize and make amends should i be the target of any hostility. i'm just as flawed and weak as everyone else, perhaps even more so than most - and i fully understand that. but when it's on a whim, when it's self-serving, and when it ruins the very core harmony that our relationship stands on - i will, without mercy, show you that the r...

i commit to everything i do. i was never one to approach things half-assed. unprepared, yeah, i'll jump into something without thinking it through, but i'll still give it my all. but when i don't feel like doing something, for whatever reason, i just simply won't do it. take for example this whole work from home arrangement since the lockdown. my office requires me to "log in" by greeting everyone a "good morning" and in the first couple of days, i played along. reasonably so,  cause it's a low enough barrier to entry. but it only took a couple of days for me to get inundated and see how meaningless it actually is. people will parley their pleasantries and then that counts as a contribution. it's utter bullshit to me. give me a challenge, light a fire in me to work my ass off to be a cut above the rest. i'm not gonna waste away the limited hours of my life being just like everyone else. and that opportunity indeed came. my boss was gi...

it's raining in the middle of summer. this is just what i needed to deal with my uncomfortable humid evenings. i was never a fan of precipitation. getting my feet wet was always disgusting, the gloominess of the skies felt like an unnecessary heaviness to my days, and really getting around just gets much much worse when it rains. but when faced with the general discomfort of summer evenings, rain is a welcome reprieve. that's the thing about constants in our lives. we're going to have our favorites, we're going to have those that we'd hope to do without. but their value is never absolute. it always depends on the environment. sometimes things only make sense when put in the right place. and right now i'm comfortably cooled in my cozy corner of my room thanks to an unexpected downpour. but i'm sure somewhere down the line i'm going to curse the heavens for sending me a storm when i least needed it. and it's simply a matter of either opening my u...

i never truly wondered where do i get all the stamina to endure people's venting and revealing themselves in the most disheveled manner possible while maintaining compassion and openness, while avoiding prejudice and any form of dismissiveness. sometimes we need other people to call out things we do before we even notice those that come second nature to us. but having that particular peculiarity pointed out to me, i think i do get why am i the way i am - a magnet for people with problems, a check-in counter for individuals with baggages, a pro-bono psychologist, a chatbot for commiseration, the therapist for truants of the school of life. it's simple really - i'm one of them too. i'm probably not as broken as they are, but i'm broken enough to understand how hard it could be to deal with daily struggles of one's emotions and psyche. however, relating to them isn't enough, your heart has to be in the right place too. yeah sure, i can be out of sorts, but ...

for a minute there, i lost myself. it's getting too heavy with all of these depressive narratives. let's inject some lightheartedness. i'm giving myself another hour... belated it was indeed my birthday yesterday. woah big surprise. yeah no, i despise the concept of celebrating a day just because a year has passed. legally it matters because it gets to a point where your rights and privileges in the eyes of the law change. not that it matters. what really to me is that my peace was kept. albeit unsuccessfully so, because a crapton of people still managed to get a hold of why the date mattered yesterday. i fucking hate the attention. but be it as it may, there was one birthday greeting that mattered to me. it was from someone whom i sincerely loved, and no she isn't family, no she isn't an ex. she's someone whom i just deeply cared about... back when i still had the capacity to do so. she's just one of those integral people that if there were to be a hall...

there's a day in the year where i least bit want the spotlight on me. for the most part, i really don't like being the focus of attention. that's why my government gig fits the kind of person that i am - i work my ass off, i accomplish something significant for society, and there's never a mention of my name. not to be confused with being irrelevant, that's the farthest thing i want to be. i want to wield power, i want to be consequential, but what i don't want is the recognition. that's why i've always kept the first username i've made since childhood, because all of this is merely a persona. you don't know the man behind the keyboard. all you see is a representation of me. all i am to you is an interpretation of the memories gathered from fleeting bursts of attention you spend to regard me. this inalienable truth i hold is one i keep for my own and is only true for me. because it gets to a point where perception becomes reality. and the d...

i've lost a piece of humanity in me at first, i was in denial. i didn't want to be a worse human being after having gone through my lowest point of my life. of course, i had to be better. there's no where to go but up, right? i was wrong. now i don't usually like being wrong. but i have to face facts. i can't find it in me to care. i can't find it me to trust. i can't find it me to love. i really tried. the hardest i could. but sometimes you just see enough evidence that spells the truth: that i'm living a lie. i'm not happy, i'm not sad, i'm not angry. what i truly am is simply a broken down shell of a myself. what people interact with on a daily basis isn't me anymore, it's a caricature of what i think i would be in a world without any wrongdoing were wrought unto me. i knew something wasn't right. it's only now i realize that it was me all along.

i like texting. it's the right kind of commitment with communication. i can put the discussion down on hold when i don't feel like it. i can put people on read to make a statement without saying anything at all. i can afford to have the talk on suspended animation due to time or schedule differences and have it feel like one whole cohesive conversation spread throughout several days or weeks. but texting is also a tool to temper my relationships. the deeper i go into a relationship, the more regularly occurring phone calls, video calls or physical interactions happen. and that's just a lot of investment for me. and yeah sure, i will do that but only to a limited number of people, of which i can only count with one finger. so to an extent, i do keep people at bay. it's particularly hard to be vulnerable and let anyone in. especially being in such a state of great pain.

it's not the news that stresses me out. it's the people. social media is rife with a fallacious pronouncements and people eat it all up. it's likewise riddled by a parade of self-righteous and pretentious folk that only care when it's convenient. being online royally annoys me. perhaps it's unfair if i put people to my standard. not everyone are as passionate about the government as i am. not a lot of people will find the time to actually care about what government is doing apart from the easily accessible media outlets. and i live out my days respecting that people have better things to spend their time on. i shouldn't be expecting any depth. people are so enraged so many times that they don't follow through with it. they get mad, and then they're back to their daily mundanities. and that's what gets me. people really don't care, they just want to have a say, they just want to be part of a trend. i'm enraged because i care too much a...