elevator love later

i used to have this one really major crush on a girl i never got to speak with.

but i got to know who she was, facebook was still starting out at the time and online stalking was a burgeoning skill. and as with anything that i seriously pursued, i poured a lot of myself into learning about her. she almost never ran out of things that amazed me and the idea of her in my head grew and grew until she was this unwieldy figure on a lofty pedestal - deservedly so, she really was indeed all that and more.

but again, i never got to speak with her.

cause she had always been this legendary enigma that i needed to be my equal before i even consider sharing the same social space with her. that's exactly what i did, threw myself into activities and situations that built me up. every single day, week, month and year i was becoming better and better. but as with everything else in our youth, it had a deadline. she had to go. i was too busy establishing my empire that i never got to use it for its original purpose - to be someone worthy of the attention of an individual i have deemed nothing short of sacred.

so this one really major crush remained as that - a unilateral arrangement.

for all that i did, for all that i attributed meaning to, for all that i derived value from - while i may not have gotten the girl in the end, i at least got myself an identity i can be satisfied with. it's amazing how one idea of a person - and not the actual person itself - could singlehandedly drastically alter the trajectory of my life for the better. perhaps the journey really wasn't about her, it was perhaps a call to action to continually improve. and indeed it has been what i've been living for ever since - to be a better version of myself than i was before, as cliche as it may sound.

and it's funny how i went into university hoping to be enlightened enough to find the meaning of life. surprisingly, i didn't find it in books nor classrooms. i found it in a chase that was never realized.