mercurial drug

i commit to everything i do. i was never one to approach things half-assed. unprepared, yeah, i'll jump into something without thinking it through, but i'll still give it my all. but when i don't feel like doing something, for whatever reason, i just simply won't do it.

take for example this whole work from home arrangement since the lockdown. my office requires me to "log in" by greeting everyone a "good morning" and in the first couple of days, i played along. reasonably so,  cause it's a low enough barrier to entry. but it only took a couple of days for me to get inundated and see how meaningless it actually is. people will parley their pleasantries and then that counts as a contribution. it's utter bullshit to me. give me a challenge, light a fire in me to work my ass off to be a cut above the rest. i'm not gonna waste away the limited hours of my life being just like everyone else.

and that opportunity indeed came. my boss was given an instruction from the higher ups to work on something meaningful that affect real human beings during the lockdown. and as soon as the directive was issued i laid the groundwork, i did the research, i made the calls, and i presented to my boss what to do even before i was told to do anything. now i take a great deal of pride for being the one man army that i am - one that acts decisively, swiftly, and effectively. and i really did spend every single second totally tuned in to the task - to the point of forgoing food and other bodily functions. and indeed i delivered, way more significantly than any of the sheep that settled with their "good mornings"

i guess that's just what i do. it's all or nothing for me. cause i guess if i'll do anything half-assed then it's a functional equivalent of a waste of time, and i maintain that my time on this mortal plane is far too precious that if i can't pursue it with passion then it's a hard pass for me.

unfortunately it runs the risk being inconsistently present in my regular responsibilities. but we have our limits. it's unsustainable to keep pushing yourself to the max. so my willingness will come in waves.

but when it does arrive, it's never gentle, it's never calm. it will be intense, it will be consuming. its presence will be felt, its absence will be remembered.