midsummer night's misery

i felt a strong need to write in the middle of the night because i'm overcome with emotions - of sadness, of regret, of pity. no there won't be any creative expressions of my state right now. i reserve that for when i have to wield the pain into something manageable. now i just simply can't. and i'll be doing what i've held off for the longest time - and it's to purely feel the pain. i'm miserable. the heaviness i feel is something i solely carry. no amount of empathy, explanation, nor escapism from my friends and loved ones ever made it feel any lighter. i live a double life. both of which i wish could end. my heart is beyond broken, but it beats. it's filled with an utter vileness that makes me want to slice my chest open to pull it out just to get rid of the toxicity. nothing seems to work to fix the underlying hurt. i haven't tried everything humanly possible so it's my earnest hope that a solution is found. i don't like being sad. i want to be able to wholeheartedly feel that i'm worth something. there's no shortage of people telling me how they perceive my value to them, but i can't bring myself to own it. i really wish i could stop detaching myself from being grounded in situations just so i could survive. i fear that the people who think i bring value to their lives will let me go as soon as i reveal how much of a mess i am. i already am convinced that i'm not deserving of love, but i don't need any more proof of it. at this point, these aren't self-doubts - they're an absolute certainty.

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