a sisyphean odyssey
the more i learn and grow in my different pursuits, the more i realize i'm shit at what i do.
yeah sure, in some ways i'm above average in mental and physical capacity, and i'm privileged enough than most people that i'm not burdened by any sort of poverty. i'm potentiality personified - that much i can be grateful for. but that's as far as i go, mere potential. i'm the gifted guy that didn't do anything with the tools and circumstances i was blessed with. i do understand that all i takes is hard work and grit, which i sorely lack. what i do have, however, is intensity - one that happen in short bursts and die just as fast. perhaps as a compensating mechanism i explode out of the gates and however far i get, that'll substitute for the grind that a different person would've done throughout a period of time. unfortunately, i do get bored easily. like i'm somehow wired to constantly seek out the next mountain to climb, the next sea to traverse, the next horizon to reach. and i've learned to settle with just that - those arduous but short expeditions that feel disjointed and doesn't make sense in the grand scheme of things. because that at least gives me enough of a feeling of accomplishment to feel good about myself, but not necessarily requiring an extended form of commitment from me.
because that's what i feel i don't have a lot of - time.
setting your sights on a long term objective requires looking off into the distance and planning ahead. and if history has taught me anything, most journeys aren't as straightforward as we'd like them to be. seasons change, people change. hell, i change a whole lot more than i want it to. and this constant state of flux makes it so hard to be rigid and steadfast in grinding it out a goal.
i look at others that are on the same path as i am, some are better, some are worse. but the more i stop focusing on myself and look at everyone else, the more i see i'm nowhere near as half-decent and i'm just as bad as everyone else. of course i've managed to eke out small wins that somehow sets me apart. but these little badges of honor that i wear compare lesser to other people's plaques and monuments.
which sucks cause all meaning of my existence i derive from these functionally useless chunks of gold.
yeah sure, in some ways i'm above average in mental and physical capacity, and i'm privileged enough than most people that i'm not burdened by any sort of poverty. i'm potentiality personified - that much i can be grateful for. but that's as far as i go, mere potential. i'm the gifted guy that didn't do anything with the tools and circumstances i was blessed with. i do understand that all i takes is hard work and grit, which i sorely lack. what i do have, however, is intensity - one that happen in short bursts and die just as fast. perhaps as a compensating mechanism i explode out of the gates and however far i get, that'll substitute for the grind that a different person would've done throughout a period of time. unfortunately, i do get bored easily. like i'm somehow wired to constantly seek out the next mountain to climb, the next sea to traverse, the next horizon to reach. and i've learned to settle with just that - those arduous but short expeditions that feel disjointed and doesn't make sense in the grand scheme of things. because that at least gives me enough of a feeling of accomplishment to feel good about myself, but not necessarily requiring an extended form of commitment from me.
because that's what i feel i don't have a lot of - time.
setting your sights on a long term objective requires looking off into the distance and planning ahead. and if history has taught me anything, most journeys aren't as straightforward as we'd like them to be. seasons change, people change. hell, i change a whole lot more than i want it to. and this constant state of flux makes it so hard to be rigid and steadfast in grinding it out a goal.
i look at others that are on the same path as i am, some are better, some are worse. but the more i stop focusing on myself and look at everyone else, the more i see i'm nowhere near as half-decent and i'm just as bad as everyone else. of course i've managed to eke out small wins that somehow sets me apart. but these little badges of honor that i wear compare lesser to other people's plaques and monuments.
which sucks cause all meaning of my existence i derive from these functionally useless chunks of gold.
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