eat me henger

i really have nothing to write when i don't come from a dark place. i'm like the hulk where his superpower is directly proportional to his anger, my creativity is dependent on my degree of depression. of which, i've had very little recently. ironically, the consensus of the collective consciousness of society will claim that this has been a terrible year. there really hasn't been a lot to be happy about for most people. there has been a constant deluge of detrimental damage to our dispositions - magnified by being prisoners of our own homes. with not a lot of distractions to keep us numb, life was utterly painful. but not for me. i set out to redeem myself this year come what may. in fact, being cooped up for quite a while did wonders. you always see construction sites covered up, same goes with my rebuilding efforts. this year i regained steadier footing and an even more anchored resolve. i know what i want, i know what i deserve, and i know what i have to get to mak...

it's been a while since i had my thoughts to myself. for the past year, i've been trying so hard to stay occupied so time moves quickly and tomorrow comes today. i used to think that once i've gotten comfortable in my own skin again, things are going to be different. but it hasn't been the case. i'm still sad. the only thing that changed is my improved skill in hiding my true feelings. or maybe not. i think if someone was as observant as me, i could easily be called out for pretending to be okay. perhaps the proliferation of social media has dulled our eagerness to engage deeply. yeah sure, it made us better in marketing ourselves to make ourselves more interesting. but there is an oversupply of attention-grabbing personalities, and a scarcity of people that care. perhaps there isn't really a demand for them. of course there still are compassionate people out there, but it seems superficial and performative. if i were to die today, i'm betting that people th...

for the many times that i wished for the sweet release of death, it gets me down when i'm faced with the grim reality of my own mortality. i guess what i really wish for is a quick exit. no time to invest in meaningful relationships, no time to start any more long term endeavors. nothing left unfinished as life moves on without me. but that's not how it's going to work out with a slow and painful death. the physical pain is immaterial - there are drugs for that, what truly hurts is the sense of communal pain everyone will feel with my departure. when grief snowballs to include other people, no substance known to man can make it better. the only real way around is it go through all stages that culminate with acceptance. as with any devastating thing we have to go through, we can either live blissfully ignorant or carry the burden of having another notch on the count of life's imperfections. and i'm never lying to myself anymore.

it's easy spending time with the right person. call it hanging out, call it dating, call it whatever. point is, you make time for someone. you can sit, you can walk, you can spend it in silence, you can spend it with banter and laughter, you can spend it in deep conversation, you have an infinite ways to devote time for one another. with the right person, it doesn't matter how you spend it. because with the right person, it won't matter in which manner time is spent, but instead it becomes a measure of how much is spent. with the right person, it will feel effortless to let an eternity pass by so quickly. however, the thing about "easy" is that it isn't a good indicator whether something is meaningful. it's easy binge watching in the comfort of your couch, it's easy dialing in fast food delivery, it's easy scrolling through your social media timeline. a life for the pursuit of pleasure is a life spent picking on low-hanging fruits. the really impor...

have i really gotten over my ex? let's start with certainties. i'm certain that i don't want to have to deal with her ever again. such abhorrent breach of trust doesn't deserve another chance. no matter how saintly she may appear, there's a reason why blacklists exist. i'm certain that i too had shortcomings that pushed her into betrayal. everything that leads to where we are now can be rationalized from the broad strokes and little details of the time we spent together. she wasn't as angelic as she portrayed herself as, but in all fairness, she wasn't the devil either. she just did a bad thing. i'm certain i can move past this episode like a memory that i've barely forgotten which spooks me from time to time. these things can never truly be buried. it's an indelible part of my history etched in stone as a reminder of a love that once was. it has shaped me quite significantly. i'd like to think that i'm better out of it. what i'm ...

for a minute there i lost myself, so i'm giving myself another hour. statutory report i've been constantly exhausted. i'm strapped for sleep, i haven't been eating right. there's nothing about me right now that suggests i'm healthy. other than the capsules i take every morning. it's probably the only thing keeping me together. i really only have a limited capacity for effort. i've been putting it in school, work, and friends that i don't leave any for myself. i wouldn't want to be taken cared of either because everyone is shit at it by my standards. my then-girlfriend was excellent at keeping me together. she set the bar extremely high that even i can't go anywhere near it after years of her being gone - and i'm the best at taking care of myself already. sure it would be nice to have her now. but that's very selfish of me to enjoy the benefits of being loved without reciprocating it back. top of the morning i'm not in the mood to ...

i don't tell people enough how much i hate them. it was always a sign of weakness for me. as soon as anyone knows they've gotten into your head, you give them a clear upper hand. i don't like that. no one should ever see how weak i am. but that also means i'm oftentimes the bad guy. because if you don't complain about the other person, they presume they're always right. that too isn't an ideal situation either. i have no idea how to strike a balance. i'm either quietly stockpiling all the negative energy thrown to me, or i'm exploding in all directions with the bullets and shrapnel i've held on to. i am hideo kojima's man on fire. i don't know how to tell people how much i hate them. i can get brutally honest. but only with those that are objectively describable. i will tell people how ugly their physical appearances are or how poorly they have done things. but i will never tell people how badly they make me feel. i'm instead wired fo...