flustercuck

it's been a while since i had my thoughts to myself. for the past year, i've been trying so hard to stay occupied so time moves quickly and tomorrow comes today. i used to think that once i've gotten comfortable in my own skin again, things are going to be different.

but it hasn't been the case.

i'm still sad. the only thing that changed is my improved skill in hiding my true feelings.

or maybe not.

i think if someone was as observant as me, i could easily be called out for pretending to be okay. perhaps the proliferation of social media has dulled our eagerness to engage deeply. yeah sure, it made us better in marketing ourselves to make ourselves more interesting. but there is an oversupply of attention-grabbing personalities, and a scarcity of people that care. perhaps there isn't really a demand for them. of course there still are compassionate people out there, but it seems superficial and performative. if i were to die today, i'm betting that people that claim they cared for me will suddenly come out of the woodwork - bonus points if they post about it online.

they feel bad when you're gone, but they don't congratulate you when you manage to stay alive for one more day.

and it figures, cause for everyone else, it's easy to get through the day. i wish i were like everyone else.

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