randong 5: dead men tell no tales

for a minute there i lost myself, so i'm giving myself another hour.

statutory report

i've been constantly exhausted. i'm strapped for sleep, i haven't been eating right. there's nothing about me right now that suggests i'm healthy. other than the capsules i take every morning. it's probably the only thing keeping me together. i really only have a limited capacity for effort. i've been putting it in school, work, and friends that i don't leave any for myself. i wouldn't want to be taken cared of either because everyone is shit at it by my standards. my then-girlfriend was excellent at keeping me together. she set the bar extremely high that even i can't go anywhere near it after years of her being gone - and i'm the best at taking care of myself already. sure it would be nice to have her now. but that's very selfish of me to enjoy the benefits of being loved without reciprocating it back.

top of the morning

i'm not in the mood to become a boyfriend again. not anytime soon. i don't like the obligation to greet someone good morning because fuck that. seriously, fuck that. i was forced to play that game in the previous relationships i had, they were both bad times. during the first, it was a struggle to get into the groove of making it a habit to whip out my phone first thing in the morning to send out a text. during the second, it was weaponized in playing mind games to manipulate me. so seriously, fuck that. if being a boyfriend is anchored on starting the day with an 11-character text, then i'm not playing that pettiness. i'm probably shooting myself in the foot for not playing along with the little things that make romance what it is, but some things are totally beneath me.

bare minimum

i would've thought that after half a decade of being out of the school and thrust deep into the real world, i'd be a better student by now. apparently it isn't the case. i still couldn't care less if i don't submit my assignments. what's the worst that could happen? they give me a failing mark? oooo scary. work is much more demanding, it pays my bills, and i'm legitimately afraid of my boss. so i'm less inclined to comply with school work. grades don't make much of a difference either. i know i'm fucking smart. i don't need a number to tell me what i already know. i don't need someone else's affirmation to tell me how good i am. by all accounts i shouldn't be where i am right now. on paper, i suck. but i don't see everyone else that had much better grades than me doing what i'm able to do right now.

masked musk

my default reaction to any interaction is restraint. i have to keep my eyes from rolling every single time my bullshit detector rings. it's always the first thing i notice: which part of their statement is bullshit. they could be amiable and be sincere, but somehow there's still that hidden agenda that makes me want to scream to their faces and tell them how much of a piece of shit they are. there's almost no breaks in between. people can't just be honest with themselves. perhaps because admitting the ugly parts of ourselves is difficult. perhaps even it's more difficult to find it in ourselves to have a reflection of our genuine selves. we're slaves to pretentiousness. sometimes we're pieces of shit, and that's fine. what isn't fine is having to pretend that i'm oblivious. it's exhausting to keep smiling along. i wonder why i've been tired all this time.

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