all hallows eve

have i really gotten over my ex?

let's start with certainties. i'm certain that i don't want to have to deal with her ever again. such abhorrent breach of trust doesn't deserve another chance. no matter how saintly she may appear, there's a reason why blacklists exist. i'm certain that i too had shortcomings that pushed her into betrayal. everything that leads to where we are now can be rationalized from the broad strokes and little details of the time we spent together. she wasn't as angelic as she portrayed herself as, but in all fairness, she wasn't the devil either. she just did a bad thing. i'm certain i can move past this episode like a memory that i've barely forgotten which spooks me from time to time. these things can never truly be buried. it's an indelible part of my history etched in stone as a reminder of a love that once was. it has shaped me quite significantly. i'd like to think that i'm better out of it.

what i'm not certain of is whether i can afford her forgiveness. it can be argued that a huge part of letting go is absolving the wrongdoer. in this case, we've both done wrong one way or another. i'm trying to make amends by being a better man. this struggle is teaching me lessons i failed to learn before. i'm not asking nor hoping for any corrective action on her part either. perhaps her never inserting herself in my life is enough. but that conjures a looming wraith of doubt that follows me until she suddenly shows up one day for whatever purpose she might have. perhaps i need to root myself in the certainty of what i will do when that day comes. that much i have to think about even further.

what i'm also certain of is that her specter troubles me to this day. i have a brewing romantic relationship right now, and i fear that eventually the same figures will come back to torment me. i have an unhealthy mistrust for everything that led to the downfall of my previous relationship. the thought of never being able to earn enough money as a barrier to spending an entire life with a person that i love scares me. the thought of predatory figures tempting my beloved away scares me. the thought of being led to believe that we're both in love when in reality i'm just being played scares me. i have no idea how not to be afraid. i can't simply face my fears and hope to overcome them because facing those fears mean being in a relationship where i'm once again inadequate, insecure, or ignorant. i can perhaps put in the effort to mitigate the risks of my fears. however, i still haven't pinned down how to address them. i can probably start earning more money, that ought to make me a better provider, but there could always be a "more" that i can never live up to. i can probably shield my partner from shady individuals, but doing so deprives my partner of personal agency to protect herself. i can probably establish a strong relationship built on transparency and trust, but then how can i tell when it is or it isn't lip service.

so have i really gotten over my ex? on one hand, i have - because all hope for reconciliation has been laid to rest. but on the other hand, i haven't - because her ghost still haunts me to this day.

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