true blue

for the many times that i wished for the sweet release of death, it gets me down when i'm faced with the grim reality of my own mortality.

i guess what i really wish for is a quick exit. no time to invest in meaningful relationships, no time to start any more long term endeavors. nothing left unfinished as life moves on without me. but that's not how it's going to work out with a slow and painful death. the physical pain is immaterial - there are drugs for that, what truly hurts is the sense of communal pain everyone will feel with my departure. when grief snowballs to include other people, no substance known to man can make it better. the only real way around is it go through all stages that culminate with acceptance.

as with any devastating thing we have to go through, we can either live blissfully ignorant or carry the burden of having another notch on the count of life's imperfections.

and i'm never lying to myself anymore.

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