eat me henger

we have reached the endgame. call it fate, call it karma - call it whatever. i'm just lucky to be where i am and where she is right now. the shit that we have gone through in the last 9 months have been nothing short of poetic. justice will never be served, that much i've conceded to long ago. it's a game where nobody wins, it's a game where you simply choose how you're going to lose. i'm the farthest thing from proud. as a kid, i've always longed for a time machine, and it couldn't come at a better moment than right now. but sometimes you just have to roll with the twist and turns that our life journeys take, and really we can never tell at present how our circumstances will shape us in the future. so will i ever emerge victorious from suffering this loss right now? or is it simply a matter of not having enough hospital beds when you need it most? i can't see into the future of various possibilities, nor do i have the luxury of jumping into al...

i'm a mere passenger in people's lives. there won't be any modesty here. i work very hard to make a mark in the life stories of the people i get in touch with. but just like a fire that bursts intensely, i don't have a lot of longevity. i'm not one to overstay my welcome, as soon as i feel i'm about to run out of purpose, i simply unceremoniously leave the relationships i once held dearly. i just have a perversion for goodbyes. i like my temporariness despite the significance i've built up. perhaps it's because i have this nagging emptiness in me that i can never seem to fill and all i really am doing is recreating whatever moment that perpetually damaged me by disappearing without warning. try as i might, in relationships that i try to go back to, i can never recapture the spark that made our companionship consequential. i've perhaps gotten way too good at goodbyes that there's no returning when i've called it quits. i've come to...

it can get frustrating to have people put the spotlight on me when all i want is for them to have the best time as the main star. having gone through a traumatizing experience triggered a hell of an outburst from me akin to a supernova. all i really am now is a mess diffused stardust where nothing could physically be drawn to revolve around me. or at the very least, that's how i see myself so it's quite dissonant to be given a bit of attention. but yeah, i have to smile like i mean it. even when i know it's a waste of time. not that i don't appreciate other people's efforts. i really do and i love them to bits. but it's just hard for me to come to terms with how i'm deserving of good things happening to me when i'm clearly a person worth betraying to the gravest possible degree. i honestly see no glimmer of hope no matter how much the stage lights are shone on me. it can be agonizing to feel as if i'm living such a lie. and maybe there's a ...

i really have no idea where the hours of my day are going to. like i'm legitimately surprised that it's the start of the second week of lockdown and how the first week flew by so fast. that's why i don't get how the hell people are bored out of their minds during the lockdown whereas for me everything feels so hectic and there aren't enough hours in the day to get shit done. it's probably my inability to be consistently organized in a manner where i can manage to grind through things in the long run. but again, i work best in short bursts where i have to beat the clock. but i need to squeeze in some sort of planning into my days, otherwise i live out the same days i've been living out. it's a mess. my life's a mess. the problem it seems is that i say yes to too many things that i'm bearing the burden of a too long of a mental checklist that i don't have time to put things in order. but even if i do, i struggle with following through wit...

i don't think i've had an emotional breakdown in recent memory. up until now. it's just so hard. y'know. to be dealing with this kind of self i have to live with. and i sincerely wish the alternative choice were easy to make. but that's not how it goes. i'm not asking for easy, in fact i'm more game the harder it is. but it gets to a point where you're conflicted with continuing or quitting. everything that i've subjected myself to, they're all distractions. i'm filled with all of this negative energy that i try to make something productive out of. the work that i do, this blog that i write, the time i spend laboring to give my friends the best time possible - they're all a means for me to focus on something other than my messy life. holy freaking hell i just hate the person that i am. i really do. so it helps to not be me. it helps to put up a kept persona. it helps to have all of the energy i have left, all the will to live, i p...

they say work from home, but i'm not really working at all. i love my home too much to taint it with my professional affairs. not that i hate work, on the contrary in fact. but i just like my life compartmentalized so i can keep my focus on what i ought to do and how i ought to act, because i love slouching on the couch, that's the least conducive posture to get shit done. i'm severely demotivated to do anything to advance my career as it is. it may not be the most professional thing to be, but i'm grossly moody, and my productivity is solely determined on whether i'm on the better side of the swing between depression and mania. and as it stands, nothing excites me. a lot of shit i ought to do feel largely useless, and i hate feeling useless. in a dehumanized perspective, i'm only as good as the value i bring to the world, and in an environment where i'm not particularly needed, i'd rather wither. and it sure as shit doesn't help my struggle ...

i fucking needed this lockdown. for the past couple of years, my health has been suffering from all the sleep deprivation. my reckless behavior with my body has left me with an badly injured and borderline geriatric physiology. and i'm looking forward to a month's worth of homecooked meals, workout regimen, creative endeavors, and most importantly, complete sleep and naps in between. more than a recharge, i really need to put in place particular mechanisms to make sure this is no some short term recovery that will slowly be eroded by returning to my old lifestyle. unfortunately, this the life i have to life - one of being socially jetlagged, physically drained, and insidiously alienated from the real world. but the time off is the much needed rain during this psychological drought i've been suffering through. it's great being able to stare outside my window to see clear blue skies above the greeneries and the majestic mountainside view. it's great being able...

i feel that i'm over with a lot of things in life - things that ought to matter, things that spell the difference between being a consequential figure or a statistical footnote. while it may not necessarily be a monotonous sleep-wake cycle, i feel that this is it for me. i've hit a cul de sac that i'll probably spin around for the foreseeable future. i've put on such an admirable façade in recent memory - and i say that not as fraud, but as someone who does his best to keep shit together. clearly, in this safe space of a blog i have, i'm battered as fuck. but for majority of my time, i manage to keep my head afloat. and it is necessary. my willingness to be such a doormat just to bring other people's happiness has been instrumental, i feel. in as much as i try to have good days, i've been truly failing miserably as a personal endeavor, and as such the most that i can do is to live vicariously through the best days i help them have. and i'm conten...

i know i do good. i really am convinced. but somehow i always turn out to be the bad guy. always. a lot of what i try to do is always paved with good intentions. but then again, along the way, shit hits the fan and what was once a constructive process becomes disastrously destructive that i do more damage control than what i have prepared for. and keeping a mindset of firmly believing in foundational truths that must be held just sets you up for utter failure every damn time it comes crashing down and it hurts inside. in a long enough timeline, the number of people who still believes i'm a good person drops to zero. i'm fairly certain i've lived long enough to be everyone who used to look up to me have seen how much of a villain i truly am. but i really am not. i know i do good. i really am convinced. however circumstances never allow me to. it always has to be a test, it's never as simple as stepping into a room and just flipping a switch to be the good perso...

sometimes you just find things in life you want to glom onto as long as humanly possible. but with enough previous disappointments, you can't help but be haunted by the nagging fear of its fleetingness. it's a struggle. a temporarily rewarding one at that. but a nuisance nonetheless. it helps to be grateful for the here and now, it keeps you sane and reminds you that life can be full, vivid, and beautiful. but i've learned long ago that a hopeful disposition is vulnerable to saddening situations. and yeah sure, i once said "fuck it" and took the risk. it was indeed fulfilling, but my weariness grows from maintaining optimism despite the seeming contrariety of the circumstances leading to the outcome. you simply can't help but question whether is it truly worth it? but hope has to come somewhere though. and i could always fool myself into thinking that it's going to be alright, but there's never really an assurance is there? so we keep grinding ...

i've always seen myself as growing old alone. it's that one truth i've held since childhood. it has survived through the decades unlike plenty of other irrational beliefs that a younger me wouldn't have known better about like how beer tastes disgusting (i've gone through phases of lowkey alcoholism), how i considered girls as the enemy (i now prefer their company over men), and how i'll be rich someday (i've since resigned to the fact that i won't earn a lot in this government career i have). but me growing old alone shouldn't make sense because i've had partners whom we have mutually wanted to grow old with each other at the time we were still together. but i guess it's really that, i've been a failure a couple of times and my ideal future of being with someone whom i'd prefer to grow old with is becoming highly unlikely. i've pushed myself enough only to be devastatingly disheartened in the end that i've all but given...

intimacy has always scared me. i was never one to directly open up to anyone, other than with my opinion on matters where i'm armed with substantiations and none of my sincerest positions. having someone physically present to misjudge you from either their inability to comprehend or your incompetence to communicate, or worse, to be with someone too self-centered to actually care is off-putting like being naked with your vulnerable core with no certainty of what the other person will do with it, other than a looming fear of things never going in your favor. that's why it's empowering to be able to write everything about myself in this platform. cause for starters i don't have to impose my personal truths on others, and neither do i have to see people's immediate reactions. it may sound pathetic that it may seem as though all i'm doing is throwing myself into the void with nothing to catch me, i may likewise be losing out on legitimately reciprocated connectio...

i've been doing a lot of writing but not a lot of publishing, my drafts list is getting longer than my actual published entries, perhaps because i got spoiled by the concept of this whole microblogging thing. i mean, twitter used to be called a "microblogging platform" - i don't know what the fuck happened there. hopefully another round of random small thoughts gets my engine going to actually finish a blog entry. i'm giving myself another hour... halfway house my writing is largely uninspired recently. primarily because there's nothing negative to draw from. which basically redounds to a net positive for me because a lack of new shit here is an indicator of a lack of shit in my mind. no demons to battle, no bottomless pits to overcome - just me meandering through middling mental mediocrity. ideally that's the life i ought to live - nothing too special, nothing too abhorrent. i find that while grand moments are great, the lows are pretty damn draining....