precious lives

i don't think i've had an emotional breakdown in recent memory. up until now.

it's just so hard. y'know. to be dealing with this kind of self i have to live with. and i sincerely wish the alternative choice were easy to make. but that's not how it goes. i'm not asking for easy, in fact i'm more game the harder it is. but it gets to a point where you're conflicted with continuing or quitting.

everything that i've subjected myself to, they're all distractions. i'm filled with all of this negative energy that i try to make something productive out of. the work that i do, this blog that i write, the time i spend laboring to give my friends the best time possible - they're all a means for me to focus on something other than my messy life.

holy freaking hell i just hate the person that i am. i really do.

so it helps to not be me. it helps to put up a kept persona. it helps to have all of the energy i have left, all the will to live, i pour into making other lives more meaningful. i don't see any point in living for myself. the locus of the reason for my existence will remain to be on things outside me, because the person that i am - i'm an utter failure, i'm the problem. but everyone else, everything else. they're worth living for, they're worth one more day. as long as i can continue to squeeze even a single drop of worth.

my endgame is to drain my self. because this vessel that i carry - it's a sinking ship.

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