the road to hell

i know i do good. i really am convinced.

but somehow i always turn out to be the bad guy. always.

a lot of what i try to do is always paved with good intentions. but then again, along the way, shit hits the fan and what was once a constructive process becomes disastrously destructive that i do more damage control than what i have prepared for. and keeping a mindset of firmly believing in foundational truths that must be held just sets you up for utter failure every damn time it comes crashing down and it hurts inside.

in a long enough timeline, the number of people who still believes i'm a good person drops to zero. i'm fairly certain i've lived long enough to be everyone who used to look up to me have seen how much of a villain i truly am.

but i really am not. i know i do good. i really am convinced.

however circumstances never allow me to. it always has to be a test, it's never as simple as stepping into a room and just flipping a switch to be the good person. my opportunities to prove i'm a good human being as i assert to be always has to be some sort of rube goldberg machine protracted enough to be seemingly suitably designed to make me give up instead of actually doing something positive.

unfortunately, we never really are judged by what we intended to do, we are judged by concrete and actual manifestations, we are judged by what we leave for the world to see - and how everyone sees me isn't what i see in myself.

so if i'm bound for hell, then might as well continue building this road, give it my best, and do it well.

i once wanted to be deemed redeemable, but really am not. i know i do good. i really am convinced.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...
Read more

meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more