sing foster the people's waste for me

they say work from home, but i'm not really working at all.

i love my home too much to taint it with my professional affairs. not that i hate work, on the contrary in fact. but i just like my life compartmentalized so i can keep my focus on what i ought to do and how i ought to act, because i love slouching on the couch, that's the least conducive posture to get shit done.

i'm severely demotivated to do anything to advance my career as it is.

it may not be the most professional thing to be, but i'm grossly moody, and my productivity is solely determined on whether i'm on the better side of the swing between depression and mania. and as it stands, nothing excites me. a lot of shit i ought to do feel largely useless, and i hate feeling useless. in a dehumanized perspective, i'm only as good as the value i bring to the world, and in an environment where i'm not particularly needed, i'd rather wither.

and it sure as shit doesn't help my struggle with my suicidal tendencies. it's hard enough being such a disappointment, but it's much heavier knowing that you can be so much better than this.

it would have been much easier to snuff it had i known i'm absolutely and unequivocally useless. not in this limbo between wasted and potential.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...
Read more

meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more