eat me henger

i'm writing for a friend to prove a point. as a lot of people are hyping up the start of the new decade, being the curmudgeon that i am, i'm not joining in any of the festivities that celebrate the milestone of an arbitrary revolution of the earth around the sun. i don't wait for occasions to make any day special, that has always been my thing, i may have even written about it several times in the blogs i've kept through the decades. but what i can take part in is the retrospect of the decade that was. i can objectively count the highs and lows of the past ten years - i've gone through two graduations, but i barely remember anything from school. i've had two girlfriends, but i'm still a sorry excuse for a lover. i've been both a football player and a coach, but i still can't do basic juggling. i've kept a physically fit lifestyle, but i've nursed an injury in every major ligament on my body. i've travelled to several countries, but ...

i'm of the general opinion that if you spend enough time with anyone, we are all idiots. sooner or later, you're either bound to royally screw up or your previously benign flubs end up snowballing into something supremely annoying. and to kind and patient people (satan bless your souls) all it takes is forgiveness and understanding so you can eventually move on with your life. but for me who's from the opposite end of the spectrum, dealing with people's imperfections while being unable to keep them at arm's length can be difficult. while i will hate the guts of the idiots of the world, i can be generous and accommodating - let's just keep the bullshit quota to a minimum on your side of the fence. the thing is, the more you get to spend time with someone, the more you interact with them - the more you will see how ugly we all could get. yes, that includes ourselves. i'm self-aware enough to see my significant share of failings, i'm not above this ra...

my default state has been a flatlined lifelessness. people think i'm intimidating. moody perhaps is a better term. it takes a while before i get my social engines running. more so, it takes a reasonable cause before i even start considering putting my keys into the ignition switch. and the reason has to be exogenous. in a lot of ways, i've given up on myself. in perhaps a messianic way, all i'm compelled to be is a tool to share love and contribute into this whole threaded life force that connects us all. i have no better way of making that sound less like some stupid spiritual bullcrap. in as much as i don't want to sound like the beatles during the latter part of their career, the profound intangibles of spirituality resonates with me deeply. i'm not seeking to be saved, i'm not eager for enlightenment, but what i am out for is to find meaning. and perhaps while feeling dead inside, to have a reason to trudge through life.

i never was a fan of reserving my generosity for special occasions. while i may have been utterly crushed by the past year's shitstorm, all the destruction led to the creation of memorable experiences and meaningful relationships. it would have been better had i not been subjected to that mess, a lot of who i am now could have easily been achieved without being taught any lessons. it was just a really bad exercise in futility of handicapping myself for the sake of generosity. so this time around, as a return to form, i will shower everyone with all of what i could offer. time is finite, and the resources we keep won't last us forever, so might as well convert them into priceless moments. everyone's amazing in their own way, like a light that shines through what's generally perceived as ugly. it's merely a matter of recognizing it, expressing your appreciation, and cherishing the opportunity to bask in its glory. i need not ask for more, because whatev...

i just want to get the season over and done with. there's still a shitload of heavy lifting to be done in the work in progress of this story of mine. being forced to take time to slow down feels so limiting, relaxing feels like such a crime. i've perhaps made it a habit to rush through the next day until such time i no longer feel any pain. it's a constant struggle, the weight of the world felt like it doubled. i'm itching to get to the end, maybe so much so that i lowkey want to be dead. but no scratch that, i've always been open about my morbid sensibilities. i've always approached it with an offbeat sense of positivity. in a lot of ways, not only do i want this season to be over and done with, but more so i just want to rush through life, cause self-actualization is such a motherfucking myth.

i'm infatuated again, indeed the three month rule is real. the last thing i expected before the year ends is to feel something more than just a crush, let alone infatuation towards a person whom i had never considered before. but given the twisted turn of events that had happened to me, i ought to get used to being blindsided and learn how to roll with the flow of things. the latter, i've always been quite experienced with. but let's see how good our chemistry will turn out to be, the strongest trees tend to have the deepest roots. it's quite a good reprieve for me to be so into someone else again, but more than a breath of fresh air i'm more keen on cultivating quality connections regardless of the outcome, because for me, the meaningful interaction is the goal, not the means to an end. i've grown inundated with aspiring to achieve a level of assimilation with anyone, the girls i wanted to be my wife turned out to be exes, the friends i wanted to keep drift...

i'm just furious all the time and it's unhealthy. that's why i sincerely appreciate those who sense something's wrong and are willing enough to lend a helping hand. i wear my pride up to the nines and one of the last few things i'll do is to ask for help, perhaps i've conditioned the people around me that i'm deranged enough to throw myself into mischief that almost always invariably land me in a ditch that i will forcibly dig myself out from without asking assistance. it gets lonely, but i've always found it most convenient. just as 711's microwaveable meals are the most convenient thing since instant noodles, designing for a lonely life isn't the most fulfilling. having been broken beyond repair affords me the opportunity to rebuild myself in a different direction. it's a setback, yeah, but growing into something you shouldn't be is a significantly worse alternative to being momentarily stalled to pick up the pieces. and this ti...

social media is such a front. despite disparaging derisions on the disingenuousness that social media promotes, i'm still not entirely above it. there's still a degree of curatedness in what i decide to press "publish" on. i sure as shit am not as colorful as may seem to be, because my life has been pretty melancholically monochromatic recently. i might as well be a person with disability with my inability to sincerely perceive any form of vibrancy. i could have just easily printed out all of my recent blog entries and attach it as supporting documents in my admission papers to a mental health institution. that ought to get me some discounts in food establishments, cinemas and parking. i definitely need a good self-care routine now cause somehow i've lost a dangerous amount of weight, i've had bruises that lasted me for months, and i've grown eyebags too big to even fit in the overhead compartment. but in a lot of ways, it's perhaps a matter of m...

the three month rule is real. in my estimation, i'm in a significantly better headspace than i used to be in the past couple of months. it's easier to fall asleep, it's easier to convince myself to work, it's easier to bring myself to return to things i love doing. but better doesn't mean recovered. while a lot of the nauseating negativity that fueled my writing have been properly purged from my psyche, i'm definitely moving forward deleteriously damaged. my whole character arc of falling deeply in love, being unexpectedly betrayed, and spiraling away from sanity is a batman villain origin story on its own. and it's something i just have to learn to live with. i was never normal to begin with, perhaps more so now. and i've lost a lot already, but there is power in powerlessness, cause when the gloves are off and only tape remains, my knuckles will deal more damage, and will cause more pain.

i'm fine leaving her more damaged than when i first found her. does that make me a horrible ex? yeah sure, whatever. i used to pour all of my energy to save her, but that's when she hasn't decided yet to bite the hand that was helping her out of the ditch she drove herself into in the first place. the moment i found out her betrayal, that's when love was thrown out of the window. and yes, doing so i've also thrown the baby out along with the bathwater. i'm convinced it's only rational to hold things in conditionality if our relationship devolved into something transactional. appealing to my humanity is an exercise in futility. i've exhibited a cold ruthlessness to even my own flesh and blood that i've been living with for years, how could something in a much worse situation that brings virtually zero value to my life be any different? people throw the word "love" so easily without understanding how difficult it actually is. people thi...

there are lesser hard days, but the hard days are still hard. i'm still not a hundred percent, let alone close to seventy five, as i've been merely moving forward for the sake of moving forward. a lot of the things i've been doing, i'll admit, are merely for me to feel less pain than to feel good about myself. i don't feel good about who i am, that's the farthest thing from it. yeah sure, i'll look at myself in the mirror and can't help but appreciate the physique i've built up for constantly working out hard to purge all the negative emotions out of me. i'll check my inbox to see the good relationships i've cultivated and be reminded of how good of a person i could be. i'm not alone, but i feel lonely. i'm not ugly, but i don't feel appealing. the last thing i would want is to lie, the last person i would want to lie to is myself, and the last thing i need right now is being lied to. fact of the matter is, i'm not oka...

the life that i live now is objectively a life i would love to live. but a life without someone to love is not a life worth living - and it certainly feels that way. i really was utterly broken down and crushed when i had found out that i was betrayed by a person whom i had thought we shared a love together. but i do know better, but as they say, knowing is half the battle. to complete the journey, i have to both know it and feel it. the feeling part, that i still have to work on. i was grateful for the emergency responders that was available from the day of the catastrophe, and i'm grateful for the ever growing squad of supporters that constantly and truthfully remind me of why i deserve love and why i'm a positive presence in the world. unfortunately, even if i know for a fact that this is my reality, the pain still lingers. even if i know for a fact that the pain will fade, my hope still falters. and even if know for a fact that hope springs eternal, i still can't fu...