lone loop

there are lesser hard days, but the hard days are still hard.

i'm still not a hundred percent, let alone close to seventy five, as i've been merely moving forward for the sake of moving forward. a lot of the things i've been doing, i'll admit, are merely for me to feel less pain than to feel good about myself. i don't feel good about who i am, that's the farthest thing from it. yeah sure, i'll look at myself in the mirror and can't help but appreciate the physique i've built up for constantly working out hard to purge all the negative emotions out of me. i'll check my inbox to see the good relationships i've cultivated and be reminded of how good of a person i could be.

i'm not alone, but i feel lonely. i'm not ugly, but i don't feel appealing.

the last thing i would want is to lie, the last person i would want to lie to is myself, and the last thing i need right now is being lied to.

fact of the matter is, i'm not okay. but at the very least, without any triggers, i'm done with feeling a constant state of intense and oftentimes self-destructive anger. i'm relieved i'm able to let go of some of the negativity in me. in hindsight, it took a lot more effort for me to hold on to the anger than to let go. while morally questionable, i'm proud of my handiwork. but i'm not an artisan of anarchy, that only allowed me to amass more anxiety. what i am is a lover.

and i have a lot more love to give, with whole lot of life to live.

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