undesirable

the life that i live now is objectively a life i would love to live.

but a life without someone to love is not a life worth living - and it certainly feels that way. i really was utterly broken down and crushed when i had found out that i was betrayed by a person whom i had thought we shared a love together. but i do know better, but as they say, knowing is half the battle.

to complete the journey, i have to both know it and feel it. the feeling part, that i still have to work on. i was grateful for the emergency responders that was available from the day of the catastrophe, and i'm grateful for the ever growing squad of supporters that constantly and truthfully remind me of why i deserve love and why i'm a positive presence in the world. unfortunately, even if i know for a fact that this is my reality, the pain still lingers. even if i know for a fact that the pain will fade, my hope still falters. and even if know for a fact that hope springs eternal, i still can't fully embrace that this is my reality.

no matter what i do to force myself to keep moving forward, there's always that nagging feeling of being dead inside. perhaps ending the relationship the way it did really killed something in me - maybe it's my capability to believe that love exists after the honeymoon period? maybe it's my ability to believe that there is purity in people's integrity? or maybe it's just my trust in myself that i'm still someone deserving of love.

i will admit, i haven't been compassionate towards myself. there is a huge deficit in the level of effort i take care of others compared to taking care of myself. the most i'll do is to address my base physical needs for food and sleep, but more than that, i'll keep doing more for others to make sure that they live a life worth living.

now that i'm doing it for myself, i feel i don't deserve this no matter how many lives i've touched and made more meaningful with my impact. neither do i feel i deserve any good deed done for me, as i've done everything in my capacity to reject or downplay them.

i never felt i deserve love, and now more than ever, i can't see how i will ever be deserving of love.

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