eat me henger

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...

last time i was in touch with the zeitgeist, it seemed as though we were becoming more walled off. that was coming from a time of expansive openness brought about by greater access to information. i remember a time when i had to purposively go to a library or economize limited dial up internet allocation at home. when the floodgates opened, we were connected a wide world of both profound and mundane ideas. however, we naturally gravitated to humor. i had my fun from the novelty of knowing more at an exponential rate. it felt surreal, it felt imposibru . eventually the need for efficient delivery of data resulted in memes. it started with templated images and punchy captions. perhaps as a limitation of copper wire-transmitted internet. but technology as a way of advancing.  eventually we needn't be tethered to a wall socket to stay updated. we received internet wirelessly at greater speeds than telephone wires. that's when still image memes were overtaken by videos. they could...

been a while since i last published. i've been finding it such a slog to get through introspective writing. there are two diametrically opposed forces at play here: first, is a need to get a grasp over whatever mental turbulence i'm going through. second, is a desire to put out acceptable prose. i've been at this for several years already and i feel like i'm over the novelty of repeatedly writing my whining. it's been a while since i last put in any real effort with sentence construction. the last sentence of the paragraph above is an example. making the last few words tighter comes naturally. perhaps from years of writing here. it feels somewhat rewarding, but negligibly so that i could've spent my time elsewhere. but a garden ought to be tended every now and then.

i'm miserable because i look at what i could've had and never being fully at peace with the causes and consequences of my actions. i should start with soaking in my sadness instead of staying in denial. it's uncomfortable but calm. there's a tranquility to the aftermath. the turbulence had passed, and the only disturbances come from recollections. that's the first step to peace - actual bodily peace. there's no real point in expending any conscious energy. there's no turning back time. there's no turning it forward faster either. no amount of fidgeting or pacing around will get it over quicker. it's as agonizingly slow as the objective ticking of the clock. life happens regardless. there will be just as many people smiling as those crying. empathic as human beings are, the societal experience of joy and misery are not mutually exclusive. best i could do is to realize it's all in the mind.

my depression stopped being a thing after i started working on my physical health. for a good part of the past decade, i really haven't been peachy keen internally. i kept finding myself unreasonably dissatisfied with life. there were things to be grateful for, but the misery of bad aspects weighed on me. being better now, i wish i could've brought my present headspace to my past self. but that's just the same kind of mindset where i would've been a better student had i gotten the chance to return to class with the knowledge i have now. i should've lived in the present better and faced my problems properly. now's the chance to apply the lessons learned. if i really did learn. the older we get, it seems there's more of the past to run away from. but i think the power of the past is our own creating. only we make a big deal out of it when it still haunts us to this day. our brain has a limited capacity to deal with the current situation, and if we add the past...

it gets to a point where all relationships find its equilibrium. where nothing really ever changes anymore, because we're stuck with the history we established.  i'd like to have a clean slate again. one where i'll bring all of my lessons and manifest my improvements. one where i'll move on with dignity and keep my traumas quiet. i almost never bother anyone with my personal issues. nobody is worth opening up to. everyone's too simple-minded for my liking. my sample size is limited to those whom i can afford. maybe with the right price, i can finally find someone satisfactory. it's a burden being this complicated. with age, i find that people are less available and i'm becoming more unreachable. it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. what i get in return gets increasingly disappointing. there are some people we are stuck with, but i find it more difficult dealing with gradually lowering my standards. i say it's all about "contentment" - but...

i hate when things get romantic. sure, i love having a romantic partner. but what i love about it the most is growing with them as a partner. when i don't see someone being worthy as sharing a common objective with, then i really have no interest being romantically, let alone sexually, involved with them. the story of my life is that i always run the risk of a person - either girl or gay - developing an attraction to me. i use the term "develop" because i'm not outrightly attractive. only old women find me strikingly attractive. most of the time, people gradually grow a fondness for me. i really don't know how i do it. just one of those things that i mindlessly do. but perhaps because i actually listen to people, let them feel heard without judgement. perhaps because i actually want to contribute to the conversation that adds value to the other person, rather than building my own brand and making myself look better. i genuinely want to have meaningful connections ...