ripple

it gets to a point where all relationships find its equilibrium. where nothing really ever changes anymore, because we're stuck with the history we established. 

i'd like to have a clean slate again. one where i'll bring all of my lessons and manifest my improvements. one where i'll move on with dignity and keep my traumas quiet.

i almost never bother anyone with my personal issues. nobody is worth opening up to. everyone's too simple-minded for my liking. my sample size is limited to those whom i can afford. maybe with the right price, i can finally find someone satisfactory.

it's a burden being this complicated. with age, i find that people are less available and i'm becoming more unreachable. it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. what i get in return gets increasingly disappointing. there are some people we are stuck with, but i find it more difficult dealing with gradually lowering my standards.

i say it's all about "contentment" - but it's just an enlightened way of saying "giving up on better"

aiming high felt good. with everything i've been accepting lately, i don't recall the last time i genuinely smiled.

i'm pessimistic that starting anew will solve anything. at best, it'll make it easier again. some things we don't get do-overs, and even if i can force it, we'll always run into the wall of crushing difficulty - no matter which direction i take.

making mistakes and blocking off that particular route makes older life feel more limiting. there's less to hope for. there's more to fear.

but sometimes there's something comforting about redoing some wrong decisions.

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