meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views. 

my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable.

it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands.

anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout.

back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young adult. eventually i found myself simply wanting to settle down. i'm done proving myself. i used to feel repulsed by other people hungry for recognition, but now i can comfortably pay them lip service because it costs less to lie.

i don't know what mechanism rewired my mentality. it's not like i had designed my life in advance to want to wind down. but then again, that has always been my problem, and i'm sure that ranks among the top of my character flaws.

i'm always unsure of what i truly want.

and that's why i get conflicted when this blog gets page views.

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