an older man on fire

i hate when things get romantic.

sure, i love having a romantic partner. but what i love about it the most is growing with them as a partner.

when i don't see someone being worthy as sharing a common objective with, then i really have no interest being romantically, let alone sexually, involved with them.

the story of my life is that i always run the risk of a person - either girl or gay - developing an attraction to me. i use the term "develop" because i'm not outrightly attractive. only old women find me strikingly attractive. most of the time, people gradually grow a fondness for me. i really don't know how i do it. just one of those things that i mindlessly do. but perhaps because i actually listen to people, let them feel heard without judgement. perhaps because i actually want to contribute to the conversation that adds value to the other person, rather than building my own brand and making myself look better. i genuinely want to have meaningful connections with people. especially when they're interesting. i believe everyone has a life story worth telling, and when it's good, i'll curiously listen with an open mind. i'll express appreciation to the good, and limit myself from painting them poorly. i guess it makes them feel good. i genuinely don't care. i believe their reactions are their responsibility.

the problem begins when they start to want to take that good feeling to the next level. i'm just interested in conversation. i don't want to have to hold their hand, or give them a shoulder to cry on. my autistic social ineptitude makes intimacy terribly uncomfortable. i don't think people notice how i'm always the listener, but very rarely the talker. that's because i'd rather them vulnerably open up to me, than have to unfurl all of the mess i've embroiled myself in. as much as possible, i want to stay away from bouquets, serenades or promises of forever.

i think that what makes me a really bad man. when i say "man", i have two uses for it: first, as an actual "human being"; and second, as a "heterosexual male".

i'm a bad human being because my apparently risky behavior results in husbands thinking i'm trying to steal their wife from them. i would understand if we're under strict sharia law where men and women cannot physically be in the same room together. but when i have to play by unwritten rules of not being too kind to a dissatisfied spouse, then i get in trouble for being kind and highlighting another man's ineptitude? i'm sorry for doing a better job than them. i didn't get the memo that being a good listener is the exclusive role of the family man. when did best friends stop becoming a thing?

i'm a bad heterosexual male because my aversion to connections other than deep exploratory conversations result in largely disappointed romantic partners. i'm averse to adventures that i have to lead for someone else. i have a tendency of transferring my ruthless self-criticism to my own partner. i eventually normalize great moments and think them as ordinary, instead of expressing the same joyous elation. when it comes to brass tacks, i'm a piece of shit boyfriend. i don't want to have people dealing with that if growing with them as a partner and sharing a common long-term objective wasn't worth it.

people keep telling me to stop what they have judged as "flirting".

but i say, they just have to learn how to deal with it. i'll deal with the consequences of my actions, and let them realize it's never wise to judge a person you don't know. all i want is to hear people out, share my insights and help them figure life out. and even if i might think they're interesting human beings, i'm sure as hell that it's going take a whole lot to make me even consider them being worth my time.

even if they happen to become worth my time, when did commitment stop being a thing?