eat me henger

the real stress test is when i have to deal with the rest of the world. i can tell i'm not fully prepared. i'm still extremely volatile. i have my finger on the trigger that twitches at the slightest hint of danger. i prepared for a war that never happened. so i'm keen on using up my rotting stockpile. so by comparison, i'm bringing guns to everybody else's knife fights. i've grown to have a low tolerance for pieces of shit in my life. i'm generous with my kindness, as much as i'm generous with my fury. life has become a purge for me. i haven't been the same ever since. there's no undoing the past, but neither will i pretend that the past never happened. it's not an entirely good thing to wield your jungian shadow. i'm aware of my capacity for evil. i'm not calloused, i have my morals too, but my sense of justice is daft. i've become extremely vindictive. the hierarchy of my enemies lost its gradation. a small infarction will get ...

romantic infidelity will inevitably result in a bad outcome. i know it all too well. i spend too much time with philanderers that i might as well be an honorary member - or at the very least, a defense attorney. if you play with fire, you really do get burned. i do get the allure. it's nice seeing beaten down people suddenly spring back to life the moment they start cheating on their special others. if you want proof that things that feel good aren't necessarily inherently good, then look no further to breaking the bonds of monogamy. however, that newfound pep in their step have always resulted into them falling off the cliff. the best case scenario is that they break up. now some will want to keep the best of both worlds and keep the companionship. but you don't want to be in a relationship with that kind of a baggage, unless you're years away from death and the practicality of having a partner outweighs the heaviness of your conscience - or if you have none - then you...

i keep forgetting that i should be caring less. it has done wonders for my mental health. i'm less angry, i'm more at peace, and life goes by smoothly. more often than not, i get into trouble when i start caring by getting invested in an idea. i'm too passionate for my own good. anything less than the best won't suffice. but life doesn't give you that. you never get the absolute best, at most, all you get is a relative good. i know it to be true, but i forget it in the heat of the moment. the world is defined by limitations. and there's plenty of them. it's when we ask more than what's possible, we start going into hairy territory. i've been trying really hard to avoid situations that bring out the worst in me. scrolling through my social media news feeds laden with manipulative machinations and general stupidity, putting myself in situations where i have a habitually proven weakness, dealing with actual human beings. there are a lot of them. i'm...

i think people are idiots. they're irrational, inconsistent, and oftentimes inept. it's always a test of patience to deal with any person. lockdown was good because i have to physically deal with less of them. but technology still kept us connected. it used to be a nice idea to connect with people - back when the internet was for desktop computers and phones were used primarily for texting and calling. it was a luxury so people knew that it was a small window of opportunity to connect - so they had to make the most of out it, which in turn made connecting with others more precious. this meant that people had their best foot forward. their dirty laundry is aired once they're offline. nowadays getting connected doesn't need that grating internet dial up tone, instead it's only a matter of a few swipes - if you're cheap like me that prudently budget my data allocation - for some they're always connected. unlimited data is a wonderful thing. and that lower barri...

it's such a disservice to myself that i haven't really been writing as frequently as i've done in the past year. not that it's a money-making endeavor, nor is there a following that hangs on to my every word. i could quit this blog just as i've done with all of my social media accounts and there wouldn't be any discernible difference with the lives of those in my social circle. but it's really a personal pursuit, it's one of the avenues that allow me to effectuate myself onto the world by giving me purpose and capacity to express my existence. writing proves that i am my own person. i'm not bound by a limited number of characters per thought, nor am i expressing myself through filters and templates. this is as free as free speech can be. while i've accumulated a good deal of rust for being out of it for some time - my thought process, i find, are not as sharp as before - i'm all too familiar with being back at bad again that i've set up a...

i really have nothing to write when i don't come from a dark place. i'm like the hulk where his superpower is directly proportional to his anger, my creativity is dependent on my degree of depression. of which, i've had very little recently. ironically, the consensus of the collective consciousness of society will claim that this has been a terrible year. there really hasn't been a lot to be happy about for most people. there has been a constant deluge of detrimental damage to our dispositions - magnified by being prisoners of our own homes. with not a lot of distractions to keep us numb, life was utterly painful. but not for me. i set out to redeem myself this year come what may. in fact, being cooped up for quite a while did wonders. you always see construction sites covered up, same goes with my rebuilding efforts. this year i regained steadier footing and an even more anchored resolve. i know what i want, i know what i deserve, and i know what i have to get to mak...

it's been a while since i had my thoughts to myself. for the past year, i've been trying so hard to stay occupied so time moves quickly and tomorrow comes today. i used to think that once i've gotten comfortable in my own skin again, things are going to be different. but it hasn't been the case. i'm still sad. the only thing that changed is my improved skill in hiding my true feelings. or maybe not. i think if someone was as observant as me, i could easily be called out for pretending to be okay. perhaps the proliferation of social media has dulled our eagerness to engage deeply. yeah sure, it made us better in marketing ourselves to make ourselves more interesting. but there is an oversupply of attention-grabbing personalities, and a scarcity of people that care. perhaps there isn't really a demand for them. of course there still are compassionate people out there, but it seems superficial and performative. if i were to die today, i'm betting that people th...