eat me henger

for a minute there i lost myself, so i'm giving myself another hour. statutory report i've been constantly exhausted. i'm strapped for sleep, i haven't been eating right. there's nothing about me right now that suggests i'm healthy. other than the capsules i take every morning. it's probably the only thing keeping me together. i really only have a limited capacity for effort. i've been putting it in school, work, and friends that i don't leave any for myself. i wouldn't want to be taken cared of either because everyone is shit at it by my standards. my then-girlfriend was excellent at keeping me together. she set the bar extremely high that even i can't go anywhere near it after years of her being gone - and i'm the best at taking care of myself already. sure it would be nice to have her now. but that's very selfish of me to enjoy the benefits of being loved without reciprocating it back. top of the morning i'm not in the mood to ...

i don't tell people enough how much i hate them. it was always a sign of weakness for me. as soon as anyone knows they've gotten into your head, you give them a clear upper hand. i don't like that. no one should ever see how weak i am. but that also means i'm oftentimes the bad guy. because if you don't complain about the other person, they presume they're always right. that too isn't an ideal situation either. i have no idea how to strike a balance. i'm either quietly stockpiling all the negative energy thrown to me, or i'm exploding in all directions with the bullets and shrapnel i've held on to. i am hideo kojima's man on fire. i don't know how to tell people how much i hate them. i can get brutally honest. but only with those that are objectively describable. i will tell people how ugly their physical appearances are or how poorly they have done things. but i will never tell people how badly they make me feel. i'm instead wired fo...

i get insanely triggered from any fictional narrative presenting infidelity. it could be a predatory man seeking masculine dominance by wooing an already-committed woman, or it could be a desperate woman seeking validation from all-comers despite claiming love for someone. it's all about pressing the right buttons and satisfying your personal desires. i utterly detest it. i've been there before. i had several chances to break my bond of trust with a woman i devote myself to. i'm fully aware that i'm gifted with a disarming charm that could win me a multitude of women. i've been tempted to upgrade to a better lover or throw away a deteriorating relationship. but i don't like being the enemy that i hate. my loyalty to the rule is worth its weight in gold. cause i simply am a man of my word. i don't like revisiting that place. i don't like having to make a choice between a woman i love now versus a woman that promises to love me better. i don't like hav...

after several episodes of ptsd, i finally came to the conclusion that i have become utterly fragile. i have hope that someday i'll be fine. but that someday is certainly farther down the line than i would've hoped for. best case scenario is i never step foot in any experience that have historically dealt traumatic incidents. that means a smaller world for me, but it's at least cozy. all of the negativity is testing me to my limits. it feels as though i can't take it anymore, even though i know i will survive this. but i really want to walk away from it all, because it hurts terribly bad as it is, and any more of it will crush my soul even further. every second of my day is painful. the only way around it is to get out of my own head and not live my life. surrendering myself to any mechanical purpose does the job. any form that detaches me from my humanity. i sincerely wish the sweet release of death. i really do. my heart literally hurts. it'll work for me if this p...

i saw her name again. it's been a while. when there is zero stimuli, it doesn't feel like it exists. but it does. just because the darkness of night obfuscates obstacles, doesn't mean there aren't any. i don't want to deal with her. she's played the game so well with her god given strengths that even my best efforts only managed to ricochet off her and severely damaged someone else. in the game of manipulating people, you only play to win. and i lost. i'll of course never be the same again. regrettably so. i've become more vigilant of the game, so much so that i confuse spectators with competitors. i've been trying so hard to keep my boots hanged, cause i've grown so tired of playing. but i forget that shoes don't make a player. i wish to unlearn everything. go back to a significantly simpler time. unaware of the rules and its workarounds. blind to the offensive and defensive strategies. dulled to the point of harmlessness. but her strength h...

anyone who depend on others to fix them is a fucking idiot. there are people whom i love dearly that think this way - one of them is actually likely to read this - i'm sorry that you have to hear the truth, but you guys are fucking idiots. it is fucking idiotic to think that someone else knows how to live your life better than you do. first, they have a life of their own to live - carrying two loads when the capacity is limited to one means it's an accident waiting to happen. second, they don't have the entire picture - cause if you can't figure it out on your own, then how do you expect to accurately communicate to someone else all of the confounding factors what you're going through. third, you're flaking out on personal responsibility - if you're gonna give up your life to someone else (which can be idiotic in itself to begin with), then why the fuck are you choosing another mortal when religious figures have had an extensive literature of guidelines on h...

she was a manipulator. and i allowed her to run circles around me. i don't think i've forgiven her nor myself for letting it happen the way it did. since i knew that i was being played, i thought i was impervious to its ill effects. i was careless. but when you know who the criminal is, you're able to defend yourself, right? i was wrong. it only meant she was more emboldened to pull the trigger on me. it only meant i saw it coming. as long as you're within striking distance, no matter how high you've put your guard up, you will always be attacked. so instead of defending myself, it was better to avoid the risk in the first place. prevention is indeed better than cure. god knows how long you'll need therapeutics until you recover. the good thing about evasive maneuvers is that you don't have to deal with any pain at all. it keeps you from having to waste time and energy from nursing yourself back to health. it keeps you safe and secure. but sometimes you don...

i'm a veteran of the game. and i'm sick of playing it. losing a sense of sincerity disconnects me. i can go on autopilot and run my playbook til the clock runs out. but that's what i've been trying to avoid. seems like it's how things are going to turn out. i'm at a point where i'm looking for what's real. unfortunately, reality is nobody wants honesty. i get it. being vulnerable is such a risky position. i'm not entirely above it as i have much more sophisticated shielding than most people. and that's why i'm even more inundated with it, because they think they're fooling me with their child's play of a façade, when in fact i'm only humoring them because ignorance is bliss. but it doesn't make me happy. i've made it so i don't need to fake it anymore. maybe everyone else hasn't gotten to that level of security yet so they need keep pretending. and i can't help them with that. it's a realization they have t...

my patience has been running incredibly thin. i used to put up with a whole lot more bullshit. i've seen it in all shapes, sizes, and stenches. but given the newfound stresses of daily life that preclude me from finding peace, i haven't been getting the chance to fill up my tank for bullshit buffer. get in, fulfill your obligations to the bare minimum, get out as quickly as possible. i'm aware that everyone's got an agenda. i tolerate it for the most part. but it's real work nevertheless. it sounds easy to not do anything, but keeping a vault locked require the strongest of materials. i haven't had a real assessment of how much it takes from me to do so. now that situation has changed, i'm caught offguard with its upkeep. now i'm not one to take away from others the bar that i've set. but resources are finite and the have to come somewhere. i've become miserable. i just can't get any break. my generosity has always come from abundance. i don...