in all honesty

i'm a veteran of the game. and i'm sick of playing it.

losing a sense of sincerity disconnects me. i can go on autopilot and run my playbook til the clock runs out. but that's what i've been trying to avoid. seems like it's how things are going to turn out. i'm at a point where i'm looking for what's real. unfortunately, reality is nobody wants honesty.

i get it. being vulnerable is such a risky position.

i'm not entirely above it as i have much more sophisticated shielding than most people. and that's why i'm even more inundated with it, because they think they're fooling me with their child's play of a façade, when in fact i'm only humoring them because ignorance is bliss.

but it doesn't make me happy.

i've made it so i don't need to fake it anymore. maybe everyone else hasn't gotten to that level of security yet so they need keep pretending. and i can't help them with that. it's a realization they have to make themselves. authenticity has to come from within. it's not a particularly good move to shoot everyone's defenses down just because i can and it gets in the way of the truthful connection i'm seeking. it's a surefire way to make them work harder to improve their protective barriers. so even if i don't like it, i have to run at their pace because keeping the race close makes it easier for me to keep an eye on them. so until then, i'll maintain fake conversations until we cross the finish line.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more