derailing doomtrain

after several episodes of ptsd, i finally came to the conclusion that i have become utterly fragile.

i have hope that someday i'll be fine. but that someday is certainly farther down the line than i would've hoped for.

best case scenario is i never step foot in any experience that have historically dealt traumatic incidents. that means a smaller world for me, but it's at least cozy. all of the negativity is testing me to my limits. it feels as though i can't take it anymore, even though i know i will survive this. but i really want to walk away from it all, because it hurts terribly bad as it is, and any more of it will crush my soul even further.

every second of my day is painful. the only way around it is to get out of my own head and not live my life. surrendering myself to any mechanical purpose does the job. any form that detaches me from my humanity. i sincerely wish the sweet release of death. i really do. my heart literally hurts. it'll work for me if this pain indicates that it will stop beating any moment now. i know there are people that wouldn't want that, but a brief moment of sorrow for them is a decent enough trade-off for avoiding a lifetime of unwinnable personal battles for me. i think it's selfish on their part to not understand my desire for death just because it's gonna make them sad. especially when they're largely absent when i'm the one silently struggling while i put on a smile to keep them happy.

it's my fault too. i've become utterly distrustful of every single soul that i've become lonelier than lonesome george. in every attempt to open up to someone, i keep gravitating towards being the listener instead of being listened to. but perhaps it's for the best because i'm almost never satisfied with what people tell me after having heard me out. i could easily come up with wiser advice or a more creatively re-framed perspective. it's pathetic, everyone's pathetic. and i'm the most pathetic of all. because i'm a human being that constantly feels alienated in the presence of other people.

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