eat me henger

it's a good indicator of my well-being if i find no reason to write here. my life has turned out for the better now and it's attributable to making the right decisions, meeting the right people, and spending my time wisely. i deserve a pat in the back for getting to where i am right now better than ever. but what really made the difference were the people around me. i've gotten through tough times on my own just as well, but this by far has been the toughest yet, and my ability to stand alone as an island was tested to its utter limits. had i continued that path, i'd be just as alone as i would be in a casket. and that's not good. especially for what laid ahead of me. there really is a whole life ahead of me to live for. i feel that the most important relationships i've built so far are the ones i'm cultivating now. they are the people i've only dreamed of having as confidants and companions. people whose quirks i feel greatly complemented my values ...

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f...

now that i'm out of the forest, i need my next adventure in life. i know better now to never plan out any of these things anymore because time and time again the hand of fate always derails my direction in life, and oftentimes it's always for something bigger and better. or maybe it's just me not setting a high enough bar for myself that the high heavens throw me way far off the deep end knowing full well that i can comfortably swim with sharks. so i dunno, really. the daily effort to chip away at sculpting a better version of me is always on the table and it's really not so much of an endeavor but just regular upkeep that i have to maintain at the bare minimum. so the subject might change, the method might be different, but the process is still the same. add to my knowledge, improve my skills. i have that down to a science that i should be profiteering from it. hooked to a new muse is always an option. it's generally a good thing cause new is always better,...

this is where i go when i'm troubled and i need to work out things by myself to gain a deeper understanding of my own complexities. i could go to a confidant who cares, i could pray to a higher being, i could seek professional help. but instead i do this - write as if it's a personal and private diary, knowing fully that someone will eventually get their eyes on this. that i guess is my intention. i feel that there's never really an appropriate time to bare yourself to others. we're always knee deep in something else, perhaps a more fun thing to do, perhaps a more serious matter to deal with. the thing with interactions is that it's a negotiation of attention. i'm not an entitled prick that will force others to give me their listening ear. that's a disservice to the both of us, and wasting time is the last thing i want to happen. so here's my blog. anyone who cares enough to give me their attention will have to deliberately open a web browser and...

the more time passes by, the more things happen to me, the more i understand better why i was betrayed. my reactionary surge of fury was my ego being hurt and my perceived sense of love being challenged. the disgust and anger overcame and blinded me. now that those reactions are manageable, i can objectively consider the circumstances that led to where we are right now and i do get it now. somehow, i have an approximation of her thought process. it's the same story by the same author but on a different chapter. i left her the way i found her - trapped in the complicated mess she somehow keeps finding herself in. some were her fault, some were forced onto her, but it is what it is, and we always have to deal with whatever life throws at us. as a result, we develop specific survival mechanisms to help us with the apparent dangers we deal with. now when you operate on a self-serving level of subsistence, morality isn't yet a key consideration. so it's only when we've...

a stable life that allows me to pursue meaningful endeavors is where i finally found contentment. we've been locked down for quite a while now and the most i've spent money on are the bare essentials. i'm getting enough sleep, enough food, enough time to live life. i haven't been spending a whole lot that i've been racking up enough savings to pay off the debt from being abhorrently irresponsible with my expenses from the shit storm i went through last year. now the surplus of disposable income ought to mean that i should be looking for the next thing to purchase. however, i'm not looking forward to add anything material to my life. i get targeted ads for what i would usually be buying, and none of them feels necessary. i'm not itching to go on an adventure in wherever tourist destination. i'm not keen on seeing a live performance of a musical act or sporting event. i'm really not compelled to have more "fun" things in my life. this sou...

i'm one that could go on forever without giving myself a moment to step back and recover the scattered pieces of me that have been falling all over the place from hastily moving forward without any regard for self-preservation. i'm already self-destructive as i am, but a pursuit towards any goal is much worse for keeping myself intact. in my endeavor to accomplish something of value, i paradoxically lose parts of me along the way. which perhaps doesn't add a whole lot to my being as any sort of gain is offset by the certainty of losses on my part. exactly the reason why i'm convinced that i'll be best left to die alone because the burden of making sure that i take care of myself is such a chore that love should have nothing to do with it, and instead be better suited as a transactional agreement - hopefully by a trained professional, but my career path isn't exactly one which leads to wealth, so i will take what i can afford. it's a perennial struggle re...

the lil devil in me loves to poke fun at fools that say "blabalbal" my young self will call me [name redacted] the wicked, but now i call myself francis the impish cause how demonic i've become due to how contorted and disfigured my body turned out due to my countless injuries both physical and mental. growing in two sectarian institutions almost convinced me that i will become a priest. but i fell in love with a priest. darn it, sist. not only have i fallen from grace of my apostolic aspiration, i've become the antithesis of francis the pope - i am francis the impish. i'm only writing this now because of this whole media franchise fiasco where it curtailed and muzzled freedom of the press. that organization may have been shut silent, but i'm not letting myself be disenfranchised of that right. i took figure skating classes for five years because i was largely influenced by a certain show from that particular media conglomerate that i grew up with call...

the force has been awakened, the saga has begun. this will be the story of my life, one where i'll be painted as the villain. i've come to terms that it's largely out of my hands. i don't dictate the narrative to an audience that doesn't listen to me. i will have to accept losses in certain fronts. however, what i'm certain of is that i will hold my truths to be inalienable, no matter what the consequences are. cause i've done my fair share of living on lies, and that's an experience i'm not keen on repeating again. if we've learned anything from the comprehensive history of the world, it's that the sides of the story will have their respective motivations with varying degrees of justifiability. heroes and villains are ascribed after the fact. now i don't claim to fight for what's good. i only merely stand for what is true. and so be it, if the truth is i'll be clad in black, detached and distorted from who i truly am, with a ...

i don't seem to have any form of victory today. i wasn't able to accomplish anything that absolutely assures me of acquittal from my actual anguish. not even with my work, not even with my physical pursuits, not even with my creative endeavors, not even for my social circle. i'm ending my day dejected with my only silver lining is that i managed to string together an eight-word alliteration combo on the first sentence on this paragraph - and even then it means very little in the grand scheme of things. it's bad enough that i feel that life is urgently slipping away form me as every single hour passes. nothing frightens me more than having lived without giving it my all. i'm grateful for the situation i'm in - a comfortable life, a relatively healthy body, a loving enough set of friends and family. but somehow it feels that i can't help but take them for granted. somehow privilege has its way of leaving you dissatisfied in where you stand. somehow the thi...

at a time where the people should be distanced, i find that now more than ever, i've been growing my most meaningful connections with others. my social circle now is vastly different than what it was before. because for as long as i can remember, i've always had constants in my life. but they weren't particular persons, they were in fact roles of people in my life. and this is my attempt to remember them all: the golem this is most common constant i've had. oftentimes they're big lumbering emotionless companions that tend to absorb all of my active energy. i'd be wild, i'd be livid, i'd be all over the place, but they'll be just there standing by my side with an unwavering and oftentimes frighteningly stoic demeanor silently supporting me in whatever adventure i'm up to. strangely enough, they're the most loyal too. i'd figure with the real "still water runs deep" types, they'd be pretty damn annoyed with the kind of spi...