dusty finish
the more time passes by, the more things happen to me, the more i understand better why i was betrayed.
my reactionary surge of fury was my ego being hurt and my perceived sense of love being challenged. the disgust and anger overcame and blinded me. now that those reactions are manageable, i can objectively consider the circumstances that led to where we are right now
and i do get it now.
somehow, i have an approximation of her thought process. it's the same story by the same author but on a different chapter. i left her the way i found her - trapped in the complicated mess she somehow keeps finding herself in. some were her fault, some were forced onto her, but it is what it is, and we always have to deal with whatever life throws at us. as a result, we develop specific survival mechanisms to help us with the apparent dangers we deal with. now when you operate on a self-serving level of subsistence, morality isn't yet a key consideration. so it's only when we've achieved a certain level of security that it then becomes our choice whether to do what's morally right. i'm convinced that prioritizing immediate material gain at the expense of one's dignity was a tough decision to make. but i'm certain that staying in a constantly challenging relationship with relatively smaller benefits is just as hard to mull over.
but she had to make a choice, which forced me to decide on how far i'm willing to break myself.
i take my commitments extremely seriously. i won't operate on any meaningful relationship without trust at its foundation, because it's through that assurance i can invest myself in what's expected to be a mutually beneficial long-term engagement. however, there'll be no terms when there's no trust. and when there's no secure foundation, we revert to survival.
and when we're back to the drawing board, erasures are necessary.
my reactionary surge of fury was my ego being hurt and my perceived sense of love being challenged. the disgust and anger overcame and blinded me. now that those reactions are manageable, i can objectively consider the circumstances that led to where we are right now
and i do get it now.
somehow, i have an approximation of her thought process. it's the same story by the same author but on a different chapter. i left her the way i found her - trapped in the complicated mess she somehow keeps finding herself in. some were her fault, some were forced onto her, but it is what it is, and we always have to deal with whatever life throws at us. as a result, we develop specific survival mechanisms to help us with the apparent dangers we deal with. now when you operate on a self-serving level of subsistence, morality isn't yet a key consideration. so it's only when we've achieved a certain level of security that it then becomes our choice whether to do what's morally right. i'm convinced that prioritizing immediate material gain at the expense of one's dignity was a tough decision to make. but i'm certain that staying in a constantly challenging relationship with relatively smaller benefits is just as hard to mull over.
but she had to make a choice, which forced me to decide on how far i'm willing to break myself.
i take my commitments extremely seriously. i won't operate on any meaningful relationship without trust at its foundation, because it's through that assurance i can invest myself in what's expected to be a mutually beneficial long-term engagement. however, there'll be no terms when there's no trust. and when there's no secure foundation, we revert to survival.
and when we're back to the drawing board, erasures are necessary.
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