battered and besieged

i don't seem to have any form of victory today.

i wasn't able to accomplish anything that absolutely assures me of acquittal from my actual anguish. not even with my work, not even with my physical pursuits, not even with my creative endeavors, not even for my social circle. i'm ending my day dejected with my only silver lining is that i managed to string together an eight-word alliteration combo on the first sentence on this paragraph - and even then it means very little in the grand scheme of things.

it's bad enough that i feel that life is urgently slipping away form me as every single hour passes. nothing frightens me more than having lived without giving it my all. i'm grateful for the situation i'm in - a comfortable life, a relatively healthy body, a loving enough set of friends and family. but somehow it feels that i can't help but take them for granted. somehow privilege has its way of leaving you dissatisfied in where you stand. somehow the things my past self aspired turned out to be the same things my present self is failing to value as intended. and yeah, i'm calling myself out on my own shortcomings because a lot of times i don't like being myself. i should be happy, i should feel good - but unfortunately, i don't. so now more then ever i feel disgusted with my own skin, skeleton, and soul.

no other day makes me want to be able to live one more day just so i can redeem myself from this moral defeat. it's not enough to be aware of the things i got going for me. what i know and what i feel should be aligned cause only then it creates meaning for me, only then am i convinced, only then can i believe.

and only then can i have hope.

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